Flushing Meadows, NY: Jets fans, not generally known for their intellect, have been issued a stern warning from the Surgeon General of the United States, Regina Benjamin.
This was in the wake of several fatalities following the unlikely Jets victory against the Patriots. In one such fatality a fan decided to sled into oncoming traffic. This proved to be problematic as the sled’s imaginary air bag never deployed, nor did its antilock blades. Overtaxed city workers are still cleaning up this mess.
In another fatality, one fan decided he was going to “fly like a Jet!” according to his friend. And fly he did, right to his death on the sidewalk 10 stories underneath the balcony where he catapulted himself in questionable ecstasy.
It was also feared that Jets fan icon Fireman Ed would set himself on fire to prove that he could put it out in time. Rumor has it that fans who sit behind him (who secretly call him ‘Rainman Ed’) ‘dared’ him that he would not do this, which led to his childish desire to do so. Fans behind him simply want him to remove the silly plastic hat so that they can see better.
It’s just these types of avoidable incidents that the Surgeon General wants to cut down on. “While I fully understand that a couple of fatalities to Jets fans/non productive citizens is not a bad thing in general, especially those from Jersey, we still must strive to make reasonable decisions. It’s in this vein that I suggest these fans give POA to their more intellectual family members, who by their mere aptitude would not be Jets fans and therefore would have the ability to be more rational and level headed during both happy and sad moments”.
Sadly, there is now physical evidence of the many, many deficiencies afflicting most Jets fans. Recently neurologists have discovered the following area’s represented in the accompanying graphic:
- Patriot’s jealousy lobe – this lobe of the brain was stagnant for most of the 70’s and 80’s but really developed in the 90’s and 2000’s. It is purported that the discovery in that same time frame of a virulent viral strain (Bilirubinum Belicheckoutthosepats) is what helped the development of this frontal lobe manifestation.
- Past failure memories – this part of the brain is encroaching on the jealousy lobe. Dominated by the ghostly apparitions of Jeff Lageman and Johnny Mitchell, this lobe was recently re-enriched by the presence of the aptly named Vernon Ghoulston body (similar to a golgi body).
- Enduring superstitions lobe – in this case most enduring superstitions are indeed true, which makes this parietal lobe development so troublesome. Truths masking as superstitions include superiority of the Patriots and Dolphins clubs as well as the reality of being the favorite NY team of homeless people and pederasts.
- Namath memories – an oldie but a goody. This small area which takes over the cerebellum of many Jets fans (inadvertently causing many of the aforementioned problems) is dominated by the mythic prediction made by Namath before most current Jets fans were either alive or could walk. In recent years however it has been dominated instead by Namath cooing “I love you” to Suzy Kolber while in a drunken stupor on national TV. First class all the way.