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Rex Ryan, Wife, Afflicted with New [Pe]Disease

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New York, NY: In a strange twist of what is already a strange set of circumstances, New York Jets coach Rex Ryan insists that he and his wife do not have a foot fetish. Ryan, in consultation with Dr. Phil, has concluded that he and his wife have a “foot fattish”. This is a slight modification on what is typically known as a foot fetish. In this new type of obsession, the common foot fetish is combined with the less common(in women) fat fetish, combining two irresistible fetishes in one.

As Dr. Phil explains, “commonly the fetish is confined to the feet. Small and delicate, feet make convenient fetish items. In most cases, the spillover from this phenomena lends itself to obsessing over other similar sized or shaped items such as hands, shoes, or in some cases even shoe-boxes; I have patients that sleep with their shoe-boxes. But rarely will the companion fetish be so disparate.”

As Dr. Phil continued, he shed new light on this bizarre phenomenon. “Contrasting fetishes such as a foot fattish come about due to an abnormality in the amygdala, located deep within the temporal region of the brain. Emotional responses are known to develop in this portion of the brain and if a traumatic event occurs during the primary development of the amygdala, there could be trouble on the horizon. And depending on the initial triggering event, sometimes this trouble comes in the hulking form of a big, huge fat person such as Mr. Ryan.”

The New York media remains dubious of the notion of a foot fattish, reasoning that it is being used as a diversion tactic. However, with so many other undesirable events taking place at Jets headquarters, it is unknown exactly what this would be specifically diverting attention away from.

In other media

It is little known that Princess Leia has a foot fattish and that this is the mysterious explanation for her lifelong obsession with Jabba the Hut.

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