New York, NY: Just in time for the holiday season, when everyone on the globe bulks up in order to make “dieting” their New Year’s resolution, another high-profile weight scandal has come to light in the city of New York. Jenifer Ringer, the Sugar Plum Fairy for the Broadway production of The Nutcracker, is not skeletal. For shame.


Alastair Macaulay, in order to find meaning in speaking about a holiday performance that has been done for over two lifetimes (and apparently unable to score tickets to Radio City Music Hall), did away with meaningful dance insight in order to give the normal run-of-the-mill ballet visitor a review that they could understand: insult comedy.

Unfortunately, the wit fell on deaf ears, as the people he was trying to entertain(the disinterested boyfriends and husbands of women who wanted to go to the performance) didn’t understand where those “too many sugar plums”, or even Ringer’s last five meals, may have gone into her figure.

“I had already fallen asleep by the time the Fairy dancer came on-stage. Then Sandy jabbed me in the ribs to wake me up, and I thought I woke up watching Showgirls,” stated Chris Keoup. “I stayed up for the rest of the show. Don’t tell me that dancer is fat. You want to hear about fat?”

“It was so petty,” Sandra Hoffman cut in. “I almost wish Ms. Ringer was fat. Than maybe Chris wouldn’t be leaving ballet programs around the apartment.”

Mr. Macaulay defended his critique, explaining that, after summarizing the performance for 12 paragraphs, he gave a descriptive performance review that was critical not only of Jenifer ringer, but male dancer Jared Angle as well.

More professional critics weren’t amused. “Like we don’t know the story of The Nutcracker,” mused movie reviewer Anthony Chiserean. “Looks like Al lost a few brain cells with that receding hair-line.”

It is unknown how these comments, following last Fashion Week’s critical view of model Coco Rocha’s weight, will affect Mr. Macaulay and ballet in general. On the plus side, more and more men and gaining confidence at reaching for those formerly “upper tier” women.

“After this spinning of female self-esteem, I’m going to try for Scarlett Johansson,” commented Mr. Chiserean.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.