Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. The records have been getting closer and closer. The top has become the bottom! Takers become givers! Insert your ridiculously provacative copy here!
Thursday, December 9th, 2010
VS
Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Colts (IND) by 4
Steve Elle
In Thursday night’s matchup of injured and beaten teams, Chris John, seeking to make good on his prediction of a 2,000 yard rushing season, finds that he now has only 4 games left. And he’s about 1,000 yards short. So he will seek to average 250 yards of rushing for the next 4 games. In similar news, Peyton Manning will attempt to not throw 4 interceptions tonight. He’s going to try for 3 [fingers crossed]. Pick: Colts-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Colts-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Colts-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Colts-LOSS
Sunday, December 12th, 2010
VS
Cleveland Browns @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Bills (BUF) by 1
Rick Bernardo
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce my first live NFL game. Me and my cohorts will be driving to sunny Buffalo to watch the teams of the century in a high-octane… bah, I can’t go on. There’s no sugar-coating the fact I’ll be waist-deep in snow wearing a Marshawn Lynch jersey and praying that the players’ heat fans reach me. Game? Fuck you, this is survival! Pick: Browns-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Browns-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Browns-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bills-WIN
VS
Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Packers (GNB) by 7
Rob Wheatley
Packers Coach Mike McCarthy has said he is not discussing possible playoff scenarios until his team reaches the 10-win mark. I share his reticence, not on grounds of secrecy, but because I wouldn’t know a playoff scenario even if it bit me on the arse whilst wearing a T-shirt reading ‘Playoff scenarios- Mind your arse’. That said, Lions traditionally spend almost two-thirds of their lives asleep, almost as much as me, and I’ve NEVER won an NFL game. PACKERS To WINNNNN Pick: Packers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Packers-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Packers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Packers-LOSS
VS
New York Giants @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Giants (NYG) by 3
Darby Shaw
It turns out that Brett Favre probably won’t get in trouble with the NFL for his cellphone indiscretions. It should come as no surprise… after all, the fact that Al Michaels still has a job is proof that the NFL is okay with broadcasting pictures of a wrinkled dick. Pick: Giants-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Giants-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Giants-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Giants-WIN
VS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers (PIT) by 9
Rick Bernardo
The “Beat Big Ben” world tour continues, as Bengals defensive end Domata Peko is planning a right cross under the face-guard of Ben Roethlisberger in order to break his jaw. Will Big Ben survive the season? We shall see. Pick: Bengals-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Bengals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Steelers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bengals-LOSS
VS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Bucs (TAM) by 3
Steve Elle
Proving again that he’s the smartest guy in the room, Mike Shanahan figured out the cure for his ailing rush defense: sitting the Redskin’s prize free agent defensive tackle. Genius! The Bucs hope to get back on track. They will do so after losing two more starters. The highly anticipated matchup between Lagarette Blount and Albert Haynesworth will no longer take place. It was thought that if Blount threw a punch Haynesworth would attempt to stomp on his forehead. I will have to throw out my popcorn. Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bucs-LOSS
VS
Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Falcons (ATL) by 8
Darby Shaw: Pick: Falcons-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Falcons-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Falcons-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Falcons-WIN
VS
Oakland Raiders @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Jaguars (JAC) by 5
Darby Shaw: Pick: Raiders-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Raiders-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Raiders-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Jaguars-WIN
VS
St. Louis Rams @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints (NOR) by 10
Darby Shaw: Pick: Saints-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Rams-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Saints-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Saints-WIN
VS
Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers (SFO) by 5
Rob Wheatley
Well, looking at the list of player injuries going into this match, it seems there are enough broken body-parts to make up an entire spare person. Williams, Obumanu and Cole all suffer from wrecked footsies, Gore has a broken hip, and Alex Smith has a seperated shoulder which may even become a fully divorced shoulder if things don’t sort them selves out pronto. Most alarming is that Toy Smith has “worked his tail off” according to his coach. Nice to see Mutants getting a fair crack of the whip in this game. Seahawks flap victorious and WIN. Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
VS
New England Patriots @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Patriots (NWE) by 3
Steve Elle
The way the Pats played Monday night, no team will ever beat them again. Well, not if they’re called the Jets. The Bears, however, may have a chance. And by chance I mean that they really have no chance at all. Just kidding. ‘twas a joke. No way in hell. Well, unless they score more points than the Pats, which could happen. Nah. Pick: Patriots-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bears-LOSS
VS
Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets
LINE: Jets (NYJ) by 6
Rick Bernardo
The New York Jets are coming off another heartbreaking game, but it should come as no surprise. It’s not because Rudy broke his leg in practice Friday, or Tom Brady mesmerized the defense with his flowing locks. No, it is much simpler. The Jets have a hard time playing on long rest. In order to fix this, coach Ryan has decided to concede to a Wild-Card berth and have a scrimmage with the New York Dragons indoor football team the week before the Super Bowl. That should keep the ADD demons at bay. Pick: Dolphins-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Jets-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Dolphins-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Dolphins-WIN
VS
Denver Broncos @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Broncos (DEN) by 6
Darby Shaw
Next year, the Broncos will be paying three head coaches’ salaries: Mike Shanahan, Josh McDaniels, and whoever is their new head coach. The last time Pat Bowlen paid three men at once, it at least came with a happy ending. Pick: Broncos-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Broncos-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Broncos-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Cardinals-WIN
VS
Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Chargers (SDG) by 7
Rob Wheatley
Whilst engaged in my extensive research for this match, I noticed a report on the “Projected Top Offensive Performers”. Not only did these performers seem ok about having their names in this list, but are even smiling in the accompanying photographs. I know this is a physical game, but really, there is no excuse for a deliberate lack of politeness. Maybe these steroid-headed Lummii (plural of Lummox)think it’s big and clever to be deliberately offensive, but answer me this: How would their Grannies feel ? Mighty embarrassed, I would think. Get a grip guys, it only takes a smile and a kind word and the World becomes a happier place…bloody hell, have they never seen “The Brady Bunch”?. CHARGERS for the WINNNN Pick: Chargers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Chiefs-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Chargers-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Chargers-WIN
VS
Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Eagles (PHI) by 4
Darby Shaw
Michael Vick is the leading vote-getter at quarterback for the Pro Bowl. PETA has already announced a boycott of the Pro Bowl, to which NFL fans have said, “So? We already skip that game.” Pick: Cowboys-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Monday, December 13th, 2010
VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Houston Texans
LINE: Ravens (BAL) by 3
Darby Shaw: Pick: Ravens-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Ravens-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Ravens-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Ravens-WIN
RECORDS
This Week
Darby Shaw: 6-10
Rick Bernardo: 6-10
Steve Elle: 8-8
Rob Wheatley: 9-7
Total
Steve Elle: 120-88
Rick Bernardo: 116-92
Rob Wheatley: 115-93
Darby Shaw: 114-94