Newark, NJ: The Transportation Safety Administration and its controversial screening procedures have come under fire yet again. A 16-year-old boy, whose name is being withheld due to his age, has accused TSA Employee Lloyd Wright of taking his virginity during a recent pat-down at Newark Liberty International Airport last week. The boy, who was traveling to church camp in Alabama, claims that Mr. Wright fondled his genitals for “an extended period of time.” The exact length of time is unknown, but it is rumoured that Wright caressed the boy’s genitals for five to seven minutes.
John Pistole, head of the TSA, dismisses the claims. “There’s no way he touched the boy’s penis for more than three minutes. We have a rule in place that states that our agents must let go of the penis and/or vagina after three minutes. If they should hold onto the privates for longer than that, a supervisor will approach and inform them that they must let go of the genitals within thirty seconds. I can’t imagine that an agent would hold onto a boy’s penis for more than five minutes without a supervisor intervening.”
Wright’s lawyer, Stephen Martsuple, also dismissed the claims. “Five minutes? Please! He didn’t touch the boy for more than four minutes. And besides, what’s the problem here? The kid could have been a terrorist. Did anybody even ask what sort of church camp he was going to? What if it was a muslim camp? Hmm? Would you be so upset then?”
The boy’s attorney, Miranda Mirtweiller, expressed outrage at the teen’s treatment. “Here we have an innocent, pure boy heading for church camp, minding his own business. When boom, out pops Lloyd and his wandering hands. Lloyd and the TSA should be ashamed of themselves for ruining this boy. How would they like it if I just ran up and grabbed their genitals and caressed them for five minutes?”
Pistole and Martsuple have both claimed that they would be okay with this.