ARIES
Get a better grip on the forces around you. Better yet, learn the Jedi force-grip technique.
TAURUS
You’re so easily distracted, it’s a wonder you can even get out of bed, much less make it through the daily task list.
What? Insomnia is a probable sign of ADD? Tell that to these stars.
GEMINI
Communication yields innovation today — so get on the phone or find other ways to hunt people down. I prefer sending out packs of wolves.
CANCER
If you’re looking for something that will last forever, strive to be more genuine. Diamonds really don’t last forever, but herpes does.
LEO
Your party-animal spirit is dominant today, so you might not be able to help yourself if you wander near a gathering of some sort. Just stay away from those swinger parties. They all look and act like they’re from the 70’s.
So I’ve heard.
VIRGO
A chance to prove your maturity and inspire others will arrive today. But why would you want to do that, when you can shoot spit-wads at your co-worker while mailing women that barely know you mixtapes featuring old Green Day songs?
LIBRA
A growing understanding of your situation will give you the confidence you need today. Unless your situation is “The Situation”, then you may want to keep hidden in your house for the remainder of the year.
SCORPIO
You may be tempted to try something bold and crazy, but try to hold back for now. Hiding engagement rings in a turkey is not only disgusting, it’s downright dangerous.
SAGITTARIUS
Today you need to experience life, not just live it. Take a more risky route. Like through an airport strip-search.
CAPRICORN
Don’t beat around the bush today. Drive forward as hard as possible. It’ll make a better climax, for better or for worse.
AQUARIUS
Your love life sees a sharp spike in interest — maybe from someone unexpected. Like a crusty old man from Iowa that likes to pick up women by telling them he’s an astrologist.
Just saying…
PISCES
You need to let some emotion loose so that others know what they’re dealing with. It might come across best through poetry, like Mike Myers in So I Married An Axe Murderer. *Snap Snap*