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NFL Powder Puff Picks: Week 7

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. Our token British guy has taken the lead, the man who doesn’t even follow the football of the rest of the world. Let’s see how he and the rest of them fare this week.

Sunday, October 24th, 2010

VS

Cincinnati Bengals @ Atlanta Falcons

LINE: Falcons(ATL) by 4

Rick Bernardo

This game has an almost “I learned something today” feel to it. By the end of the game, Carson Palmer will be calm and collected, “ice” some may say, while Ocho Cinco and T.O. allow themselves to become key players in a team-designed offensive unit led by a steady running-back. By the way, did I mention my coffee tasted a bit funny today? At, least before my mug turned into a unicorn and vomited in my lap. Pick: Falcons-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bengals-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Bengals-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Falcons-WIN

 

VS

Washington Redskins @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Bears (CHI) by 3

Darby Shaw: Pick: Redskins-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Redskins-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Redskins-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Redskins-WIN

 

VS

Philadelphia Eagles @ Tennessee Titans

LINE: Titans(TEN) by 3

Darby Shaw

In the NFL, there’s a saying: “If you have two starting quarterbacks, you have none.” Coach Andy Reid takes a slightly different philosophy: “If you have two starting quarterbacks, you yank the job from the starter when he gets injured and give it to the backup, and when the backup gets injured, you put in the original starter but don’t give him the starting job back.” Yes, that’s a run-on sentence. Have you ever heard Coach Reid talk? Pick: Titans-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Titans-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Eagles-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Titans-WIN

  

VS

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs

LINE: EVEN

Rob Wheatley

Well I’ve been checking out the Jaguars’ form, and it seems that not one of their players has been arrested for drunk-driving, dog-beating, cake-icing, or any other hyphenated-misdemeanor, and it’s almost halfway through the season. Pick: Chiefs-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Chiefs-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Chiefs-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Chiefs-WIN

  

VS

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Miami Dolphins

LINE: Steelers(PIT) by 3

Steve Elle

With the black and gold (which looks suspiciously like yellow) heading to south Florida, the biggest news will be focused on resident Steeler thug, James Harrison. Why? Because Harrison knocked out two Browns players last Sunday and was subsequently fined by the NFL for his illegal hits. Harrison was penalized more than other players because he was a repeat offender. Oh the humanity! Apparently Harrison (rumored to have scored a lonely 3 on the Wonderlic) and his agent do not understand the reasoning behind this fundamental logic. Anyway, Harrison threatened to retire shortly after this announcement but was then able to summon enough neurological connectivity from the cobwebbed neurons in his echo chamber of a brain to realize that no other job on this particular planet will pay him millions of dollars a year, so Harris and his tear stained jersey will be there on Sunday. Small favors. Here’s hoping Miami makes him cry for a more legitimate reason. Pick: Dolphins-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Steelers-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Steelers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Dolphins-WIN

  

VS

Cleveland Browns @ New Orleans Saints

LINE: Saints(NOR) by 14

Darby Shaw

Drew Brees’ wife just popped out another kid; apparently, the Brees family is trying to single-handedly repopulate the city of New Orleans. And since the NFL has given them a cupcake schedule to waltz back into the Super Bowl, he’s going to want to start buying kid-sized noise canceling headphones in bulk. Pick: Saints-LOSS
 

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Browns-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Browns-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Saints-LOSS

  

VS

St. Louis Rams @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

LINE: Bucs(TAM) by 3

Steve Elle

In a battle of hopeful mid tier teams, the Bucs hope to rebound from a spanking at the hands of the Super Bowl champs. The upstart Rams make the rare trip to Tampa in hopes of handing the ball off to Steven Jackson and then handing it off some more. And if the Bucs don’t have an answer for that it will make for a long afternoon. But it has been rumored that the Bucs finally have enough data from the 2010 season (culled from 5 games worth of second to last in the league rush defense lowlights) to fix some fundamental errors and perhaps even force a, gulp, punt. Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Rams-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Rams-WIN

  

VS

San Francisco 49ers @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: 49ers(SFO) by 3

Rob Wheatley

It’s no surprise that Panthers is an anagram of She Pants, even if it isn’t. It’s also an angram of Herpes, and Phartens. Especially Phartens. Loose you Phartens ! Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

  

VS

Buffalo Bills @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens(BAL) by 14

Rick Bernardo

On a personal note, I will actually be attending a Bills home game in December. To help fulfill my duties as a satirical writer, please contact me if you have a Scott Norwood jersey in your possession that is not being used to clean up rat poop. Pick: Bills-WIN 

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bills-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Ravens-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Ravens-LOSS

  

VS

Arizona Cardinals @ Seattle Seahawks

LINE: Seahawks(SEA) by 6

Rick Bernardo

The world is giddy with anticipation as these two powerhouse teams fight for control of first place in the NFC West! Yeah. Two 3-2 teams in first place. But it gets better! Whoever loses will be tied for second place with the Rams, while the 49ers, prospective team of the year, are still dwelling in the basement at 1-5. I think Darby mentioned this before, but seriously…can we just detach the West Coast and let it float off to oblivion? Pick: Who fucking cares? Seahawks-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Seahawks-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

 

VS

Oakland Raiders @ Denver Broncos

LINE: Broncos(DEN) by 9

Darby Shaw: Pick: Broncos-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Raiders-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Broncos-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Raiders-WIN

 

VS

New England Patriots @ San Diego Chargers

LINE: Chargers(SDG) by 3

Darby Shaw

Dear Tom Brady: Cut your hair. Seriously. We’ve had enough. You’re rich and you have a hot model wife. You don’t need to look like you got the $5 special from SuperCuts. If Justin Beiber makes fun of you, it’s bad. If that mockery leads you into the Land of the Mullet, well… there’s no hope for you. Pick: Patriots-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Patriots-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Patriots-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Patriots-WIN

 

VS

Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers(GNB) by 3

Rob Wheatley

Wouldn’t it be great to be Chekov out of Star Trek, you could say “Wikings”. “I vant the Wikins to vin, Wikings for wiktory, they have the adwantage and the wigour”. But you would be vrong! The Vikesters are seriously vucked this weekend as the Packers kick for glory! Pick: Packers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Packers-WIN 

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Vikings-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Packers-WIN

 

 

Monday, October 25th, 2010

VS

New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: Cowboys(DAL) by 4

Steve Elle

I am incapable of liking the Cowboys and thus find it easy to adopt the team they’re playing on Monday much like a Big Brother does. Call it an altruistic streak. That said, I reserve judgment not to do this with the Jets. Anyway, if both teams play to potential I think the Giants handle them fairly easily. Even if Wade Philips were somehow able to conjure up enough voodoo to have the Cowboys win this season out, he will still not be back next year. Jon Gruden, here you come. Pick: Giants-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Giants-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Giants-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Giants-WIN

 

RECORDS

This Week

Darby Shaw: 7-7

Rick Bernardo: 11-3

Steve Elle: 8-6

Rob Wheatley: 10-4

Total

Rob Wheatley: 60-44

Darby Shaw: 56-48

Steve Elle: 55-49

Rick Bernardo: 52-52

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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