Norman, OK: The U.S. Geological Survey has reported that a 4.3 magnitude earthquake jolted Central Oklahoma this morning and the natives are restless – with joy. It seems that residents are taking to the streets to celebrate this joyous occasion, as it marks the most exciting thing to happen in this most often overlooked region since the “Dust Bowl” of the 1920s.
“We ain’t been in the papers since 1929, near as I can recall.” stated Jethro Willoughby, 87, and a native of Norman. “Wait’ll I send the clippings to my Uncle Jimmy in Idaho!”
“At first I thought it could be an explosion,” stated Capt. Tom Easley, of the Norman, OK police. “You think of the worst possible scenario. But when I realized it was nothing but a piddly earthquake, I got all excited and such. I even called my relatives up north to tell them the exciting news.”
Initially, the USGS classified the quake at magnitude 4.5, but later downgraded it to 4.3 – which disappointed some, as they were hoping for “at least a 12.2 or a 17.6.” The earthquake struck at 9:06 a.m. and was centered 5 miles east of Norman and 20 miles south-southeast of Oklahoma City, the survey said. The survey also stated that Oklahoma City was the only city that is familiar to individuals not native to Oklahoma. Though, to be fair, the survey stated that there are “probably four or five people in Texas who have heard of at least two Oklahoma cities.”
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett said that emergency dispatchers were receiving calls from people who claimed that they felt the quake, but “this is not necessary. We are currently not doing anything. There are no reports of damage. But we’re going to tell folks outside the state that there is some damage so that we can stay in the fancy newspapers for as long as possible.”
Cornett noted that an earthquake is extremely unusual for the area, and said he had never before felt one, but he added there was no reason for people to be alarmed. “Just go on about your business, folks. Why, heck, I plan on going Okie Noodling (the act of catching a catfish with hands, a popular pastime in this part of the country) right after work today. Ain’t nothing getting in the way of my Okie Noodling. No sir!”
“We’re going to have us a block party tonight,” said Emilene Walters of Lake Thunderbird. “Maybe, if we’re lucky, there’ll be another earthquake and some more fancy pants reporters will show up. I can tell them all about my uncle Earl and his wrassling hogs. He’s the best hog wrassler in this here county!”
Churches in the area are said to be filled with worshippers praying for another earthquake. Unfortunately for the believers, the USGS claims that it could be years before there is another earthquake in this part of the country. Residents have not given up hope, however.
“I can wait,” said Willoughby. “I didn’t get electricity in my trailer until I was 72 year old, so I’m pretty durn sure I can wait out the next quake.”