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NFL Powder Puff Picks: Week 5

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. Our British coin-flip replacement Rob is tied for the lead with Darby, with the two guys that say they know everything about football far behind. Let us see what this week brings!

Sunday, October 10th, 2010

VS

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Buffalo Bills

LINE: Jaguars(JAC) by 2

Rick Bernardo

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the grudge match of the century. Forget Joe Montana VS the 49ers. Dismiss Brett Favre VS the Packers. This Sunday, we will be engaged with…Trent Edwards VS the Bills. Oh, this just in: Owl sportscaster’s reference to Trent Edwards causes Bills game to be blacked out. Pick: Jaguars-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Jaguars-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Jaguars-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bills-LOSS

 

VS

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Cincinnati Bengals

LINE: Bengals(CIN) by 7

Steve Elle

The Bucs face the Bengals this week and, the long and short of it is, I don’t think there is any way possible for the lowly Bucs to beat the clearly superior Bengals. For some time now, Cincinnati has led Tampa in all significant categories having to do with player arrests and other felonious acts. And, as we all know, player arrests are directly linked to higher average testosterone levels, which is itself linked to greater aggression and ability to develop muscle mass, all of which tells the sad tale here. The Bengals should win and win big. They may even kill someone. Pick: Bengals-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bucs-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bucs-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bucs-WIN

VS

Atlanta Falcons @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Falcons(ATL) by 3

Rob Wheatley

Only last Sunday, according to my sources, Atlanta’s Tony Gonzalez became the first NFL tight end with 12,000 receiving yards. I don’t know what that means but it sounds absolutely filthy ! Pick: Falcons-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Falcons-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Falcons-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Falcons-WIN

VS

St. Louis Rams @ Detroit Lions

LINE: Lions(DET) by 3

Darby Shaw

I know Detriot is the home team, which is suppsed to be good for 3 points, but really? How pissed off does 2-2 St. Louis have to be about being underdogs to the Lions? That’s like being behind in the polls to Christine O’Donnell. Pick: Rams-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Lions-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Lions-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Rams-LOSS

VS

Kansas City Chiefs @ Indianapolis Colts

LINE: Colts(IND) by 8

Darby Shaw

Quick quiz… in the pre-season, if you were told one of these teams would be undefeated going into this game and the other would be mediocre, which team would you have said was which? Suckas. Pick: Chiefs-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Colts-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Colts-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Colts-WIN

VS

Green Bay Packers @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Packers(GNB) by 3 

Darby Shaw: Pick: Redskins-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Packers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Packers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Packers-LOSS

VS

Chicago Bears @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: Bears(CHI) by 3

Rob Wheatley

The Panthers are without drunk-driving-receiver Dwayne Jarrett, who has been arrested for driving while hammered for the second time in less than three years. Poor bloke, gets drunk twice in three years and gets arrested both times. Pick: Bears-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Panthers-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Panthers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Bears-WIN

VS

Denver Broncos @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens(BAL) by 7

Rick Bernardo

Say what you will about these two teams: they limp in with their wins, they’re in over their head, overrated, etc. But unlike the rest of the league, their quarterbacks aren’t causing fantasy football players to commit hari kari. Pick: Ravens-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Ravens-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Ravens-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Broncos-LOSS

VS

New York Giants @ Houston Texans

LINE: Texans(HOU) by 3

Rob Wheatley

Holy Cock-in a jar ! It’s a Giant !! Arrrrrggghhhh !!! Run, it’s a whole team of them, run for your lives Texans, but don’t forget to thrash the living beans out of them first.. Texans Take it to the top. Pick: Texans-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Texans-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Texans-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Giants-WIN

VS

New Orleans Saints @ Arizona Cardinals

LINE: Saints(NOR) by 7

Rick Bernardo

With over 600 yards passing and 3 touchdowns, Cardinals quarterback Derek Anderson has already exceeded last year’s stats. He also looks to exceed his total in interceptions, which is currently at 5. Is JaMarcus Russell still available? Pick: Saints-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Cardinals-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Saints-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Cardinals-WIN

VS

Tennessee Titans @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: Cowboys(DAL) by 7 

Darby Shaw: Pick: Titans-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Cowboys-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Titans-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Titans-WIN

VS

San Diego Chargers @ Oakland Raiders

LINE: Chargers(SDG) by 7

Darby Shaw: Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Raiders-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Chargers-LOSS

VS

Philadelphia Eagles @ San Francisco 49ers

LINE: 49ers(SFO) by 4

Darby Shaw

Another spectacularly unwatchable Sunday nighter. Somewhere in heaven, John Madden is laughing. Wait, what? He’s not dead? Dammit. Pick: Eagles-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Monday, October 11th, 2010

VS

Minnesota Vikings @ New York Jets

LINE: Jets(NYJ) by 4

Steve Elle

Wow, the story lines abound here. First Randy Moss is traded back to the Vikings in a move that smacks of desperation. Then Brett Favre is nailed by Deadspin (ironically, for not nailing some hottie) for behavior that, shocker, also smacks of desperation. Sense a trend here? The Jets however are not desperate. In fact they’re the hottest team in the league. Indeed, most pundits admit that it seems possible that they will not lose another game for perhaps the next three seasons or so. And using that logic, they’ll win this Sunday. The best part about that? Favre will be a 3 time loser. He’ll lose the game. He’ll lose his wife (if she means to maintain her self respect). And he’ll lose his shirt for all the wrong reasons. Pick: Jets-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Jets-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Vikings-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Jets-WIN

 

RECORDS

This Week

Darby Shaw: 9-5

Rick Bernardo: 6-8

Steve Elle: 10-4

Rob Wheatley: 7-7

Total

Darby Shaw: 42-34

Rob Wheatley: 40-36

Steve Elle: 40-36

Rick Bernardo: 33-45

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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