Washington, DC: After polling more than 127 million people, the newly formed National Polling Agency has determined that the state of Ohio is, by far, the worst of the 50 states in terms of livability. With more than 87 million votes, Ohio easily took first place in the poll, which was conducted in every state (including the often overlooked state of Alaska) over the course of a year.
The poll, which appeared unannounced in mailboxes, asked citizens to rate the quality of each state based on a number of conditions, including, but not limited to economic growth, cultural significance, construction, and, most importantly, fun things to do. The only state that came close to Ohio was Michigan, in second place, with an estimated 32 million votes.
“We were not shocked by the results,” said Stacey Annepard, head researcher. “We knew Ohio was the worst state in the union. We just didn’t know if everybody agreed with us. It turns out that they do.”
“The poll is right on,” said Justin Buttskin, a Cleveland native. “There is absolutely nothing to do here and the people suck. I mean, if it wasn’t for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame, Ohio would probably be completely forgotten. The jobs, bowling alleys, and football teams all suck. Have you ever been to Cleveland? That place, along with Akron, are two of the worst cities on Earth.”
Annie Smilkowitz, Buttskin’s common-law wife, agrees. “I used to think that the Bengals would bring Ohio to prominence, but I gave up hope in 1990. I’m the only one in my family who hasn’t fled for greener pastures. People give me all kinds of grief for staying here, but this is my home and I ain’t leaving!”
“Eighty-two percent of Ohio natives leave the state by the time they turn twenty-five,” said Annepard. “Nearly half of the remaining eighteen percent only remain for one of three reasons: they are incarcerated, they are on parole and forbidden from leaving the state, or they are stupid. There are those that eventually return to the state, however, and they, too, fall into the latter category.”
Rumors have been swirling that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Foundation, which oversees Cleveland’s, and by extension, Ohio’s only viable landmark, has been in talks with the cities of Memphis, Tennessee and St. Louis, Missouri, in the hopes that the museum can be moved to a state that people actually visit. The current president of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Dee Snider of Twisted Sister fame and the 83rd greatest metal vocalist, according to Hit Parade magazine, refused to address these rumors.
“No comment, no comment, no comment,” said Snider. He then winked and called the governor of nearby Indiana, which placed fourth in the poll.