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Germans Say So Long to Santa; Rudolph Next To Get the Axe

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Germany: Santa Claus–that jolly, round guy in red, loved by children around the world–will not be visiting Germany this December. German Catholics, led by Bonifatiuswerk, a German Catholic aid organization, are on a campaign to declare the country a “Santa-Free Zone.”

We don't know what it means, but it's German, so it looks angry.

Father Udolf of Bonifatiuswerk explains: “We see Santa Claus as an attention-starved celebrity and slave of the advertising industry who distorts the real meaning of Christmas. He has nothing to do with the original Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of children. We want to bar Santa Claus from Germany and invite Saint Nicholas to return.”

Santa Claus, who received the news via a letter sent to the North Pole, cried big, fat tears upon reading it. “It breaks my heart,” he said, his belly jiggling like a bowl full of jelly as he cried. “I won’t be coming to town for the little German children. They will deck the halls and jingle the bells but I won’t be able to wish them a Merry Christmas. Oh, it’s going to be silent night in Germany this year.”

When asked how he feels about Bonifatiuswerk asking Saint Nicholas to return, Santa replied “Last I heard, Saint Nicholas was living in a condo down in Boca and had no interest in coming out of retirement.”

Nimkin Mistletoe, Santa’s elf attorney, gave this statement: “It is ludicrous for Germany to say that Santa Claus distorts the meaning of Christmas. Mr. Claus fills children’s minds with joy and laughter, hopes and dreams. He encourages them to be good little girls and boys. By declaring the country to be a ‘Santa-Free Zone,’ Germany has caused undue mental harm to my client and we will most certainly file a lawsuit.”

Bonifatiuswerk also plans to ban Rudolph and the other reindeer as well, warning that they will shoot the reindeer if they enter German airspace. Needless to say, Rudolph’s nose won’t be as bright this year when he has to lead Santa’s sleigh around Germany’s “No Santa Fly Zone.”

The campaign is supported by several German celebrities who shall remain nameless since no one outside of Germany would recognize them anyway.

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