Aries

ARIES

Try to keep things short and sweet today. Avoid overexplaining yourself. If people wanted to know that you have had trust issues ever since your last girlfriend stole your kidney and left in the middle of the night without even leaving a tip for the maid, which led to a fear of both relationships and hotel cleaning services, they would have read the book.

 


Taurus

TAURUS

 You’ve got a lot going on today, so focus on the present and make sure that you’re not thinking too far out in the future. But don’t forget the past, because the past dictates what the future will presently reflect on by means of the past participle or conjunction.

   Yeah.

 


Gemini

GEMINI

There is a slow movement toward a direction you may really like, so speed things up.

Unless you’re riding a Segway along a cliff.

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

Dead horses smell bad, so stop beating on them. Especially if you have made jokes like the above Segway reference officially old after only one day.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

You’ve got to make a bigger difference today — but it’s harder than usual to make up your mind. Pastrami? Tofu? Sprinkles? Jimmies? The fate of the known universe rests in your hands.

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

Say goodbye to unpleasant work issues. Someone’s going, so relief is coming.

If you look around you and find you like your co-workers, well..good luck in your future travels.

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

You’re itching for something new today — boredom doesn’t suit you well. Either that, or it’s the crabs.

So go out and broaden your horizons. What the worst that can happen, you get featured on Tosh .0, or someone’s taxi-cab confessions book?

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

Gambling can be fun and very profitable — for the house. Except when it comes to our editor running picks here at the site. Last place? Yeah. House isn’t doing too good.

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

 SAGITTARIUS

Today is nearly perfect for deep, philosophical investigations, which could be relevant to work, spirituality or just your own mental masturbation. Be warned, tho. Such thoughts may lead to growing out your hair, throwing all your shoes away, and listening to Phish repeatedly. Remember that these mental gymnastics are more foreplay than anything else.

 

 

 


Capricorn

CAPRICORN

Don’t let unsatisfactory service ruin your day. Exercise your rights as a consumer. Remember Michael Douglas in Falling Down? He GOT what he paid for, eventually.

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Your creativity will rescue a grateful, overwhelmed coworker today. You’ll be a hero!

Or a sex offender, if you’re too “creative”.

 

 

 


Pisces

PISCES

Even if things are coming to a close, it’s not a good day to make your final move. Especially if you live up in the northern part of North America, because you won’t know how the roads really are in the winter.

Just sayin…