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Perchance to Dream(Cheese at Last!) J-Sin Celebrates Big 4-9


Steve Elle and Patrick Emmel join J-Sin for his honors.

New York, NY: After 49 articles, it’s time for a party. J-Sin and the rest of the immortals at the Inept Owl are set to paint the town red in celebration of 49 articles that demonstrate the depth of wit, the breadth of colloquy, the magnificence of turn of phrase, etc, of Pulitzer Prize winner (in waiting) J-Sin.

In a nod to Truman Capote, who coincidentally J-Sin strongly resembles in both look and deed, Inept Owl editor Patrick Emmel is planning a Black and White ball. Missing the point completely of Capote’s famous party however, Emmel is believed to understand that the party simply needs to consist of black and white people. He has reportedly sent a street team to Williamsburg to invite as many black people as possible, with strict instructions not to acknowledge Caucasian hipsters, which would be the only way to make them flock to the dance.

Mr. Sin, misty-eyedand gracious at the announcement of his honoring, quickly prepared a speech that not only was confusing and self serving (alternating liberally between the first and third person as well as self-reference), it also demonstrated his gift for plagiarism. In his words, here are excerpts from his speech to the Honorarium:

  • “In a sense I’ve metaphorically come to you all to cash a check. When the architects of The Inept Owl wrote the magnificent words found in their articles, they were essentially signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men – yes, (some) black men as well as white men – would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of women. It is obvious today that The Inept Owl has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as its readers are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, I.O. has given Abernethy a bad check, a check which has come back marked ‘insufficient intellect.'”
  • “It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of this moment. This sweltering summer of J-Sin’s legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of football and ladies. 2010 is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that Abernethy needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the workplace returns to business as usual.”
  • “The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed Abernethy must not lead us to a distrust of all Jewish people and midgets. For many of our Jewish and midget brothers have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with J-Sin’s destiny, and they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to his freedom. He cannot walk alone.”

J-Sin then addressed a crowd of co-workers:

  • “I have a dream that Goth teens will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the blackness of their hair, but by the number of friends they have on Facebook.”
  • “Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksand of rhetorical injustice to the solid rock of satire. Now is the time to make satire a reality for all of God’s children.”
  • “Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom to ring—when we let it ring from every village and every iPod, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of Allah’s children—black men and white men, Jews (maybe) and Gentiles, Protestants and especially Catholics—will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Wisconsin spiritual: “Cheese at last! Cheese at last! Thank God Almighty, there is cheese at last!”

Editors note: J-Sin is being offered a key to the city by kindred spirit and famous New Yorker, Eliot Spitzer. Other ‘celebrities’ will also be on hand including Lindsey Lohan (reportedly wearing special panties), Billy Joel (who will sing, upon special J-Sin request ‘Just The Way You Are’) and Dee Snider, who will try to rouse the throng with crowd pleaser We’re Not Gonna Take It.

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