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NFL Powder Puff Picks: Week 3

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. Things are going up and down like the New York Jets’ ability to take disciplinary actions, with Darby and Steve tied for the lead! Off we go to week 3. (Some picks have not been submitted, so updates will endured later.)

Sunday, September 26th, 2010

VS

San Francisco 49ers @ Kansas City Chiefs

LINE: 49ers(SFO) by 3

Darby Shaw

Apparently, Vernon Davis guaranteed a win this week, on the heels of their second consecutive loss. Out of two possible games. In an unrelated note, 49ers coach Mike Singletary was seen digging a shallow grave on the outskirts of town last night.  Pick: Chiefs-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

 

VS

Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings

LINE: Vikings(MIN) by 11 

Steve Elle

Brett Favre is about due to fake an injury in order to have an excuse to end his season prematurely and to not endure the continued losses and negative press. This will happen if the Lions can win, which they can if things fall right for them. Calvin Johnson should have a big day and Jahvid Best will look to add to his breakout game. The Viqueens will hope to keep Brettany in one piece. Pick: Lions-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Vikings-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Lions-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Lions-LOSS

VS

Buffalo Bills @ New England Patriots

LINE: Patriots(NWE) by 15

Rick Bernardo

With the highest paid quarterback in the universe finishing off Week 2 with the quote, “We just sucked,” the Patriots have a good chance of redemption by going home to shed a few tears, and then getting their masculinity back by playing a team that would never say they suck without Captain Obvious leading a parade: the Buffalo Bills! Of course, if Tom Brady doesn’t get rid of that Justin Bieber haircut, this may all be for naught. Pick: Patriots-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bills-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Patriots-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bills-WIN

VS

Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints

LINE: Saints(NOR) by 4

Rob Wheatley

Having made such a hash of last weeks predictions, I am now turning to alternate methods in the hope of gaining more insight into the minds and motivations of the individual players. In fact, I have just bought the Thundercats ‘Sword Of Omens’ off ebay. Now according to the leaflet that came with it, this should give me sight beyond sight. Eeerr, how d’you plug it in ? Oh well, Saints are generally bigger than Falcons,so Saints to win. Pick: Saints-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Saints-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Saints-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Falcons-WIN

VS

Tennessee Titans @ New York Giants

LINE: Giants(NYG) by 3

Rick Bernardo

While many Giants supporters have been in anguish over last week’s game, it should be taken into consideration that they were up against a team with the #3 rush defense in the league, with 1 of the top running-backs in the game today and a quarterback that is more a game manager than gunslinger. Oh, they played the Colts LAST week, and the Titans THIS week. Oh, shiiiii… Pick: Titans-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Titans-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Giants-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Titans-WIN

VS

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

LINE: Steelers(PIT) by 3

Steve Elle

In a battle of unbeatens, one thing is for certain. If you were guessing that one team would remain unbeaten and one team would have a loss after this game, you would be sadly mistaken. No, the certainty is that it will be hot. And the Steelers will be wearing black. So, by using the infinitesimal calculus, one would conclude that not only will the Bucs win, by 35 perhaps, but there might also be several Steelers deaths due to heat stroke. This will not be a big loss particularly, if it ends up being Hines “punk ass” Ward or James Harrison. Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Steelers-WIN

VS

Cincinnati Bengals @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: Bengals(CIN) by 4

Rob Wheatley

Yes, yes, I KNOW they’re not real animals, but can you just imagine if they were. This would be nothing short of carnage, fit for the Carneg-ie Hall, no less. Although I don’t think they let animals in there, unless they’re assisting blind people, and I never heard of a Seeing Eye Panther. I’ll go for the Panthers on this one, more as a fashion statement against the Bangal-Tigers..Stripes are just SO last year ! Panthers for the win! Pick: Panthers-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bengals-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bengals-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Bengals-WIN

VS

Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens(BAL) by 11

Darby Shaw: Pick: Ravens-LOSS 

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Browns-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Ravens-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Browns-WIN

VS

Dallas Cowboys @ Houston Texans

LINE: Texans(HOU) by 3

Darby Shaw

The Battle of the Gun Racks. If this had been scheduled the same weekend as the Texas-Texas A&M game, we might have seen a civil war within the state. Which would be fine with the rest of us, really. No, go ahead. Knock yourselves out. We’ll wait. Pick: Texans-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Texans-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Cowboys-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Texans-LOSS

VS

Washington Redskins @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: Redskins(WAS) by 4

Darby Shaw: Pick: Redskins-LOSS 

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Redskins-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Redskins-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Redskins-LOSS

VS

Philadelphia Eagles @ Jacksonville Jaguars

LINE: Eagles(PHI) by 3

Darby Shaw

I’m so confused. Now that Michael Vick is a starting quarterback again, do I make dog jokes? Herpes jokes? Ron Mexico jokes? Photoshop a cold sore and a jersey onto a picture of a pit bull? Pick: Eagles-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Eagles-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Eagles-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Jaguars-LOSS

VS

Indianapolis Colts @ Denver Broncos

LINE: Colts(IND) by 6

Steve Elle

It will be a somber scene at Mile High (or whatever they call it). Another Bronco player has met an untimely demise. Good for him, however he has Josh McDaniels and Tim (baby Jesus) Tebow on his side. They have vowed to pray until he is resurrected, though one hopes it won’t be a “Weekend at Bernie’s” scene or a “Pet Cemetary” type resurrection. Game wise Peyton Manning will outduel Kyle “chin free” Olson. McDaniels will jump up and down like a child having a tantrum. But it won’t do any good. Pick: Colts-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Colts-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Colts-WIN 

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Colts-WIN

VS

Oakland Raiders @ Arizona Cardinals

LINE: Cardinals(ARI) by 5

Rob Wheatley

That’s gotta be some groovy kind of Church, where its leading members are encouraged to play sports rather than read bits out of the bible at people. I can’t see how The Cardinals will be able to maneuver comfortably around the field with those big pointy hats on, and don’t Cardinals wear long flowing robe things and a big black cape ? Oh no, that’s Dracula. Oh well, in that case I give this one to The Raiders assuming the match is held in daylight so no use for Vampires anyway. Raiders to victory! Pick: Raiders-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Raiders-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

VS

San Diego Chargers @ Seattle Seahawks

LINE: Chargers(SDG) by 6

Darby Shaw: Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Seahawks-WIN

VS

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins

LINE: Dolphins(MIA) by 2

Rick Bernardo

Alcohol; explicit language; stand-offs with airline attendants due to listening to your tunes; contract disputes; and now, South Beach. Didn’t the Jets film for “Hard Knocks”, not “The Jersey Shore”? Pick: Dolphins-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Dolphins-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Dolphins-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Dolphins-LOSS

Monday, September 27th, 2010

VS

Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Packers(GNB) by 3

Darby Shaw: Pick: Packers-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Packers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Packers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bears-WIN

 

RECORDS

This Week

Rob Wheatley: 8-8

Darby Shaw: 7-9

Rick Bernardo: 6-10

Steve Elle: 5-11

Total

Darby Shaw: 25-23

Steve Elle: 23-25

Rob Wheatley: 23-25

Rick Bernardo: 20-28

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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