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Horrible Horoscopes: 9-13-2010

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Aries

ARIES

Increased activity at work or school offers you welcomed relief from personal woes. Such as the Dallas Cowboys giving away a touchdown right at half-time. Or Calvin Johnson having an absurd rule negate a touchdown. Or the New York Jets getting 6 first downs.

You know, important, life-depending things like that.

 


Taurus

TAURUS

Step back to avoid picking up negative energy from the dramas unfolding around you. Unless, of course, you’re a fan of Big Brother. Especially if you’re IN Big Brother.

 

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

You pride yourself on the flexibility of your thinking, but even you have your limits. Like that time I joined an Alaskan cricket-playing nudist cult and ended up marrying 3 hermaphrodites. There’s free-thinking, and then there’s just downright loony.

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

Slow down! If you keep going at this pace, you will miss out on some exciting stuff. Blah, blah, appreciation, blah, blah, cliche, blah, roses, etc.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

Communication plays a major role in your success today. Do not screen your calls! Instead, buy that new life insurance, get 5 more phone lines, and subscribe to horrible newspapers. Telemarketers, today we welcome you!

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

Let today’s energy carry you where it wants — it’s okay for you to give up control every now and then! It’s important to balance the S with the M to keep things interesting.

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

Turn away from social chit-chat and see if you can probe life’s big mysteries with someone as intelligent as you are. If YOUR big mysteries are, “will I burn my hand on a hot stove” or “why is the sky blue,” maybe you’d be better suited discussing the meaning of life and such with a stuffed unicorn.

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

When something is too good to be true, you know to back away and stop interacting with those who still believe in it. Because you know all they’ll do is pester you about this super-awesome business proposition they have for you to get you on the ground floor to success with little work and a minor investment.

 

 

 


Sagittarius

 SAGITTARIUS

Your relationship with a friend gets even tighter today, thanks to a stroke of dumb luck that lets you save the day for them. You may want to press your luck further and see what could come next! You know what they say: life is JUST LIKE those romantic comedies! I can’t tell you how many times I found love with a French exchange student by fixing my broken-down 69 Camaro in 10 minutes and then driving to the big ski race only to make out with said Frenchwoman at Dodgers Stadium.

 

 


Capricorn

CAPRICORN

You’re in the flow today, so no matter what you’re doing, you can do more of it than you realize. You might suddenly look up to see that hours have flown by while you were pleasuring yourself. Hey, it beats stamp-collecting.

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

A new friend or coworker opens your eyes to some issue that has been simmering under the surface for some time. Most likely it’ll be an old idea that you never brought up for fear of social ostracization. Like the VMAs being useless since no-one plays music videos anymore except MySpace, or some cliched idea like that.

 

 

 


Pisces

PISCES

It’s way too easy to offend people today. Which means we probably shouldn’t have launched these horoscope updates today. C’est la vie.

 

 

 

 

 

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