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NFL Powder Puff Picks: Week 1

4

Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. Last year’s Powder Puff King was Darby Shaw. Let’s see if he can defend his crown!

Thursday, September 9th, 2010

VS

Minnesota Vikings @ New Orleans Saints

LINE: Saints(NOR) by 6

Rick Bernardo

   It’s been a long (brettfavre)wait, but the (brettfavre)NFL season begins as the (brettfavre)Vikings take on the (brettfavre)Saints in an epic (brettfavre)re-match from last year’s (brettfavre)NFC championship (brettfavre)game. It should really be (brettfavre)exciting to see how far these (brettfavre)two teams have come since (brettfavre)last year. With (brettfavre)Drew Brees taking (brettfavre)Super Bowl (brettfavre)honors last (brettfavre)year, there’s no (brettfavre)question who the more (brettfavre)dominant (brettfavre)play-(brettfavre)maker (brettfavre)is. Pick: Brett Favre. I mean, Saints.-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Saints-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Vikings-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Vikings-WIN

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

VS

Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills

LINE: Dolphins(MIA) by 3

Steve Elle

The Dolphins have had one of the more active off-seasons this year. Though the narcissistic Jets stole most of the headlines (along with a certain even more impossibly narcissistic geriatric QB) and filled their team with retread free agents (Tomlinson, Taylor, et al) the Dolphins got a few guys at the top of their game (Brandon Marshall, Karlos Dansby). Oh wait, this is Dolphins v. Bills. Hmm, the, uh, Bills also had a fruitful off-season. Number 1 pick CJ Spiller has been lighting it up during the pre-season giving the Bills some actual hope. They need it. Pick: Dolphins-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Dolphins-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Dolphins-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Dolphins-WIN 

VS

Detroit Lions @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Bears(CHI) by 6.5

Darby Shaw

    I hope the Bears bought the extended warranty on their quarterback. The Jay Cutler model they received appears to be defective. At least the Lions didn’t have a false impression of their quarterback when they picked him. They knew he’d suck. Pick: Lions-WIN 

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Lions-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Lions-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bears-LOSS

VS

Oakland Raiders @ Tennessee Titans

LINE: Titans(TEN) by 6.5

Rick Bernardo

   Fuck you Jon Gruden, fuck you Peter Schrager, fuck you Mike Golic, fuck you EVERYBODY! The Raiders were MY sleeper pick ever since they exchanged JaMarcus Russell for Jason Campbell and a bag of magic beans. I’m almost glad they didn’t get Donovan McNabb, or this bandwagon fruit-cart would have tipped over months ago. Pick: Fuck You. Raiders.-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Raiders-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Titans-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Titans-WIN

 

VS

Cincinnati Bengals @ New England Patriots

LINE: Patriots(NWE) by 4.5

Rob Wheatley

Well, so far this season, neither team has done anything to impress. I’m concerned quite frankly, that the local Riot Police may have to be called in to control the crowd, just like the 5 minute video of American Football I watched as research for this… Over 20 men in helmets and large shoulder armour ran about chasing a large-headed chicken from the field as he terrorized the young dancing girls who were trying to put on a concert there. Watch out for some Ninja New England butt-kicking. Pick: Patriots-WIN 

Darby Shaw: Pick: Patriots-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Patriots-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Bengals-LOSS

VS

Carolina Panthers @ New York Giants

LINE: Giants(NYG) by 7

Darby Shaw: Pick: Panthers-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Giants-WIN 

Steve Elle: Pick: Giants-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Panthers-LOSS

VS

Atlanta Falcons @ Pittsburgh Steelers

LINE: Steelers(PIT) by 2.5

Darby Shaw

   Dear NFL: The next time you schedule a superstar to play against a team whose home state is where he got accused of sexual misconduct, please schedule the game IN that state, during a time when he’s not suspended. The homemade signs from the fans are much more fun then. Pick: Steelers-WIN 

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Falcons-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Falcons-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Falcons-LOSS

VS

Cleveland Browns @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

LINE: Bucs(TAM) by 3

Steve Elle

   The premier week 1 matchup pits the Bucs, who were “this” close to making the playoffs last year, against the Browns, now led by Mr. Sensitive himself, Mike Holmgren. Holmgren, who took over the Browns this year and unceremoniously fired unofficial team mascot and consensus Best Player Ever in NFL history, Jim Brown, gaining negative 10,208 fans in the process, has put together a team that rivals only the Saints in pure talent. However, this talent is in Pinochle, a game that only old ladies and strange football teams play. The Bucs, who have had one of the best off-seasons in NFL history (based on recent research done by Pro Football Talk .com), are finally primed and ready for a run at the NFL’s third perfect regular season record. Only the Browns stand in the way of destiny. Well, them and 15 other teams. And actual victories, etc. Pick: Bucs by 35-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Browns-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Browns-WIN

VS

Denver Broncos @ Jacksonville Jaguars

LINE: Jags(JAC) by 3

Steve Elle

   Jesus v. the mob; David v. Goliath; Tebow v. Quinn? Somehow that just doesn’t have the same gravitas. Yes, Tim (baby Jesus) Tebow is battling Brady Quinn for the job of backup QB. The fact that this is a larger story than the actual game between the Broncos and Jags doesn’t say much for the anticipated season of both clubs. The neutered Broncos (who jettisoned Bandon Marshall – their best player, and lost Elvis Dumervil – their second best player) face the rebuilding Jaguars in what should actually be a competitive and mildly intriguing game. Pick: Jaguars-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Broncos-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Broncos-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Jaguars-WIN

VS

Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans

LINE: Colts(IND) by 2.5

Darby Shaw: Pick: Colts-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Colts-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Colts-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Texans-WIN

VS

Arizona Cardinals @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: Cardinals(ARI) by 4

Darby Shaw: Pick: Rams-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Rams-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Rams-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Rams-WIN

VS

Green Bay Packers @ Philadelphia Eagles

LINE: Eagles(PHI) by 3

Rob Wheatley

 It’s got to be the Eagles all the way. For a start, you couldn’t call a sports team ‘the Packers’ here in the UK…you just couldn’t, take my word for it. Not unless their job was packing Eagles in tin cans, which it clearly isn’t. Americans love Eagles, and anyway, who the hell would be that sick to even try to pack an Eagle ?
It’s plainly wrong, and for that reason I have to recommend Eagle on the menu…TO WIN !!! Pick: Eagles-LOSS 

Darby Shaw: Pick: Packers-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Packers-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Packers-WIN

VS

San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks

LINE: Seahawks(SEA) by 3

Darby Shaw: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Seahawks-WIN

VS

Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Cowboys(DAL) by 3

Darby Shaw

   And thus begins the Donovan McNabb “Eff you, I can still play” tour. Coming soon to an NFC East stadium near you. Pick: Redskins-WIN 

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Cowboys-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Cowboys-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Redskins-WIN

Monday, September 13th, 2010

VS

Baltimore Ravens @ New York Jets

LINE: Jets(NYJ) by 2.5

Rob Wheatley

‘JET ! Whooo-oo-oo-oo-oohh… JET !!!’.
Sir Paul McCartney wrote that, and all Edgar Allen Poe could come up with was ‘Nevermore’.
That’s only one word !
The Jets have suffered from a lack of street cred since West Side Story got turned into an infomercial for gut bacteria, but this could be the comeback they have neither needed nor wished for. Luckily, every other person in New York is a Therapist, so all will be Zen in the garden of ripping the Raven’s wings off and spitting on its stumps! Pick: Jets-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Ravens-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Jets-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Ravens-WIN

VS

San Diego Chargers @ Kansas City Chiefs

LINE: Chargers(SDG) by 5

Rick Bernardo

I think I know what Roger Goodell is trying to do here. The West Coast has been complaining about how the NFL doesn’t take their time zone into consideration when scheduling Monday Night Football. So, to give them what they want, he scheduled a game between two teams that no-one but the most die hard fans on the West Coast would care about: a team still trying to coast on a reputation created 5 years ago versus a team that hasn’t been in contention since Joe Montana took them up on his back. What, too soon? It’s been 15 years, you babies. Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Chiefs-WIN

 

RECORDS

Rob Wheatley: 11-5

Steve Elle: 9-7

Darby Shaw: 8-8

Rick Bernardo: 7-9

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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