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Horrible Horoscopes: 9-6-2010

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Aries

ARIES

Your health should be a concern for the fall season, especially in regards to nutrition and exercise. Instead of just sitting there eating a donut, create a system where a donut is dangling from a string of Red Vine, and you have to do sit-ups to take bites.

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

You’ve had enough alone time this summer. It’s time to start calling friends and family and getting back in touch.

Be warned, tho: certain activities like masturbation don’t work too well in a communal setting. Try something like knitting instead.

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

You will be blessed with a calm demeanor while the rest of the world seems to drop into chaos. Some may think you have a screw loose because of this, but when you wave your hand at a missle to make it freeze in mid-air, who will be laughing then?

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

This week, they like you. They really like you. “They” being everyone. “You” being any good-looking, successful person born under the Cancer sign. If you aren’t successful or good-looking, maybe you were born under another star alignment, raised by wolves and adopted by your “parents”.

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

Aspirations are always good, but keeps yours under wraps this week. With the fall television season and school starting, no one will be truly ready for your plans to re-design the production of toilet brushes.

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

YOUR idea on re-designing toilet brushes will be phenomenal. Tell everyone, and reap the benefits of fame, fortune, and love.

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

The voices in your head are louder than usual. Try listening to them, or just beat them out with a rubber mallet.

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

People will be exceptionally trusting of you with their secrets today. This may be because you are a good listener, and a trusting soul.

I bet some baseball players felt the same way about their personal trainers before they got busted for steroids.

 

 

 


Sagittarius

 SAGITTARIUS

Try to keep your distance from authority figures, as you may come across as “mouthy” this week. Of course, you can always use the excuse that “it’s that time of the month.”

Guys, you can use the line, too. Transexuality is very in these days.

 

 

 


Capricorn

CAPRICORN

Someone very far away is thinking about you, reminiscing about you, searching you on the internet, cutting out pictures of you and making a collage, wearing your clothes that they paid the laundromat to “lose” on you.

Lock your doors and call the police.

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Pining away for a long-lost crush is a lost cause. Instead, try to steal their old discarded hair to create a hair doll to invoke the powers of Voodoo.

Hey, it worked for Kevin Jonas. That, and becoming a billionaire music sensation, but that’s just an incidental.

 

 


Pisces

PISCES

You don’t have to know all the facts beforehand — you’ll figure it out later.

And if you land in jail because of it, then, you’ll know. Like the time I followed Maria Sharapova around Queens the last time she was at the US Open. Quite an eye-opener, that was.

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