NY Cat Burglar Arrested for Failure to Remain Sexy

| August 26, 2010 | 0 Comments

New York, NY: The infamous New York “cat-burglar”, who had only gained attention today after being caught, was brought into police custody today by officers in downtown Manhattan.

Unknown death metal vocalist Shanna Spalding, aka Purgatory, was identified as the alleged armed robber when police were notified that someone fitting the description of the elusive cat-woman had entered a store sans cat-mask. Upon Miss Spalding’s departure from the store, officers investigated, and learned that the store clerk had just been robbed at gunpoint. Miss Spalding was tracked down and arrested.

While Shanna Spalding was arrested as a suspect for the crime, the officers claimed that it could have been avoided.

“The real problem was that she was not in her tattered lace costume and cat mask,” explained Officer Ryan Blaise. “If you commit a crime, but look sexy doing it, then I may be inclined to let you off with a warning. But Miss Spalding was not in the attire that we expected her to be in. Instead of leather straps, lace, thigh-high boots, and a fluffy black cat mask, Miss Spalding was in a frumpy smock shirt and spandex pants. Not sexy at all.”

In earlier possible heists, the “cat burglar” preyed mostly on male shop clerks, for obvious reasons. Some victims described the masked woman to be “a cross between Halle Berry and Michelle Pfeiffer from the 1990s.”

“To be honest, even when she jammed her pistol down my throat and threatened to kill me if I didn’t give her all the money in the register, I still had an erection,” stated Nine West salesman Josh Brugner. “That outfit was hot!”

However, Officer Scott Henderson had other ideas. “I wouldn’t have let her off, even if she was dressed like Elvira with a cat mask. The fact is that she is a death metal singer. That is highly un-sexy. Really, what’s so sexy about a half-naked woman crawling around on-stage growling and screeching while she tears at her clothes? On second thought…”

Sexy or not, and guilty or not, one thing is for certain: Shanna Spalding’s band “Divine Infamy” will┬áreceive more exposure now than it had ever dreamed of. Director Christopher Nolan plans to push for Miss Spalding to be cast as Cat Woman in the third installment of the new Batman film series. It is also rumored that Danny Goldberg, founder of Artemis Records and discoverer of the pop-metal all girl band “Kittie”, plans to come out of retirement to offer Miss Spalding a record deal “from the cell.”

Written by Patrick AE

Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man…. When he isn’t writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from bloodthirsty seals, and other activities that could be truths or lies, he’s probably writing at The Critics Den, Sports Jeer, or CBS’ Man Cave Daily.

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Category: National

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