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Horrible Horoscopes: 8-23-2010

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Aries 

ARIES 

 

   Relax this week. Summer is almost over, so you want to get the most out of this lazy heat. After that, it’s only 115 more shopping days until Christmas.

 


Taurus 

TAURUS 

 

   Someone is challenging your authority in the workplace. You may be inclined to flare your hair up, spray on a tan, and wear a white linen shirt while you shrug your shoulders and “battle,” but stay calm. You’ll only receive ridicule, and even less authority.


Gemini 

GEMINI 

  

      You need to make sure that your creative energy gets the first shot at any projects you have lined up — the same boring approach just doesn’t work this time. Gordon Ramsay, I’m looking in your direction!

 


Cancer 

CANCER 

  

   Try to reach out today — you’ve definitely got the right kind of energy for helping and making a real difference. If you don’t have any arms, well, work on that.

 

 

 

 


Leo 

LEO 

 

   Today is perfect for exploring your creative side in earnest. Try making a macaroni picture painted with your own blood, or YouTube yourself taking a dump in your cat’s litter box. There’s a thin line between insanity and creative genius.

 


Virgo 

VIRGO 

  

   Singing Summer Love at bars during karaoke night can only get you so far. Summer is almost over. How many times did you get laid?

   I rest my case.


Libra 

LIBRA 

  

   Try to make the world a little brighter today — smile more, spruce up your space, send naughty photos to our staff. All of these things will make the world a better place.

   Particularly that last idea.


Scorpio 

SCORPIO 

  

You’re getting some weird, dreamy, powerful energy today, and you might just need to let it have its way with you. Kind of like that movie TRON, except that you won’t be glowing blue or red.

 

 


Sagittarius 

 SAGITTARIUS 

  

   You need to look around you and figure out how to apply today’s big lessons to your own life: Red means stop; No means no; punching things with your moneymaker is not a good idea.

 

 


Capricorn 

CAPRICORN 

  

   You can afford to make a few gaffes in order to keep your momentum today. This includes barrelling people over when walking in the street. If you’re afraid people may get angry at you, just wear a bicycle helmet.

 

 


Aquarius 

AQUARIUS 

   You may find yourself getting sidetracked by all sorts of weird people or thoughts today — so don’t worry too much about getting all your work done. It’ll give you plenty of time to learn how to deal with the sort of people and thoughts you may come across on the unemployment line.

 

 


Pisces 

PISCES 

  

   Follow your inspiration this week. It may lead you to your dreams! Either that, or directly into a jail cell. for example, my uncle Bob that liked the petting zoo a little too much.

 

 

 

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