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David Fincher Set to Remake The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for Disney

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Denmark: In an about face from many of his previous efforts, director David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac) has signed on to remake the recent Norwegian hit The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, based on the book of the same name. The about face stems from Fincher teaming up with Disney to create a kinder, gentler heroine.

In both the book and recent film, Lisbeth Salander, the central character, is portrayed as an edgy, punky, tattooed heroine. The new film, however, will portray Lisbeth (now known as Lizzie) as a cranky teenager with a henna tattoo of Puff the Magic Dragon. Lizzie will be portrayed by lovable moppet Hallie Eisenberg.

Mikael Blomkvist, Lisbeth’s collaborator in the novel and original film, will now be called Mikey Bloomberg, since it was deemed that Mikael was much too difficult for Western audiences to pronounce and would confuse the story, taking away from the element of redemption that ties things together in a wonderful epiphany of happiness at the end of the new movie.

The original story dealt with serial murder and similar atrocities. The script for the new film was leaked on the internet and the new story, in keeping some of the tone of the original, is believed to deal with cereal burglars and crazy middle school mishaps. This challenging material is what has contributed to the PG rating, an infrequent occurrence for Disney. Founder Walt Disney offered the following explanation.

[silence].

In keeping with Disney policy, Disney would not officially comment on the controversy of the PG rating, instead choosing to let founder Walt Disney, long dead, comment, which is impossible.

Famed special effects company Industrial Light and Magic was responsible for the elaborate henna tattoos Eisnberg had to apply daily.

“I had to sit in the makeup chair for 20 minutes every morning, but it was ok because I was listening to the Jonas Brothers”, quipped Eisenberg.

No expense was spared as Oscar winning makeup artist Rick Baker was hired to paint the elaborate, yet cartoonish tattoos.

The film is slated for an early November release as research has shown that films featuring young girls with tattoos do particularly well on the lead-in to Thanksgiving. The release is also meant to coincide with Puff’s birthday, which is November 15th. During press conferences, Fincher has repeatedly insisted that no dragons were harmed during the making of this film.

Additional reporting by the crAP

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