Anchorage, AK: Usually when a young woman finally convinces a guy to put a ring on it, her parents are among the first to know. But not for the infamous “Abstinence-Only Sex Ed” failure Bristol Palin. Sarah Palin (the unofficial Mad Hatter of the Tea Party) learned of her daughter’s engagement the same way millions of Americans did—whileredneck wedding standing in the checkout line of her local grocery store as she purchased beef jerky and Bud Light.

   In true baby mama drama style, Bristol Palin ran to the tabloids after Levi Johnston popped the question, instead of informing her parents. The temporarily happy couple appeared on the cover of Us Weekly, holding their son Tripp, who was conceived when the two were but teens living under Sarah Palin’s Sex-Free roof.

   Despite years of family feuding between Johnston and the Palin family, Bristol didn’t hesitate when Levi got down on one knee and asked his baby mama to be his wife. Bristol gushed to Us Weekly about how original and romantic the event was: “There was, like, tons of flowers, like, all over the place. Like, roses and stuff. And scented candles. He even made a heart out of rose petals on my bed!”

   Although the scene sounds like a cheesy Valentine’s Day post-date seduction set-up, the couple maintains that they are celibate and are waiting until marriage to do the deed (again).

   As for the wedding itself, Bristol hopes to have a little Alaskan backyard shindig before the sub-zero winter temps set in and further freeze her mother’s heart. The young bride plans to wear a designer Carolina Herrara gown (in white) while Levi and Tripp wear camouflage vests. There is no word yet on the color of the bridesmaids’ gowns, but rumor has it that Bristol has contacted her local Tractor Supply Store and placed an order for a large quantity of reflective orange material. The reception will be buffet-style and will feature various species of furry Alaskan wildlife, along with coleslaw and tater tots.

   Sarah Palin’s head was reported to have spun around a la Exorcist style as she read the Us Weekly article. There is no word yet on whether or not she will attend her daughter’s wedding—it all depends on her busy schedule of Tea Party Hootenannies and her latest project of making up new words like her favorite playwright Billy Shakespeare.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.