Los Angeles, CA: The National Football League was spun on its head this past weekend, as it was learned that two Hall of Fame players and a rookie engaged in obscene relationship behavior unfitting of a professional football player.
The men in question formed a boy band.
Officers on the scene were initially surprised as they caught Joe Montana, Deion Sanders and Colt McCoy singing “Candy Colored Clown” together in in an alley with possibly former quarterback Brett Favre. The group’s self-proclaimed producer, Andy Dick, confirmed the allegations.
“It was bound happen that we would get some of these rough and gruff footballers into a boy band,” exclaimed Mr. Dick. “I mean, I had enough of Lance Bass and those kids. It was time to find more masculine…songs.”
Luckily, “Masculine” was the middle name of some of the players in question.
For years, Montana has been noted for his effeminate mannerisms as well as his effeminate play. Revisionist history has taken note of the fact that he was surrounded by All-Pros at nearly every position, who figuratively (he is sorry to say) carried him on their respective backs. From Jerry Rice to John Taylor to Brent Jones to Roger Craig to Tom Rathman, etc, it is no wonder that the smallish, runt-armed, testosterone deprived Montana had success; he needed all the help he could get. And he got it. To further prove this point, it is also no accident that Steve Young, mediocre BYU QB and horrific pro in his early years, had the same measure of success as Joe “Nancy” Montana once he got into the system of the real genius behind the Niners success, Bill Walsh.
Sanders has also exhibited early warning signs. Known as much for his inability to tackle as he was for his great ball skills, it is somewhat ironic that he wouldn’t crave the warm hug of an opponent during a tackle. In fact, Sanders noted to Outcast magazine that indeed he desperately wanted to tackle men, but harbored a deep fear.
“One time at FSU I tried to tackle Ricky Nattiel, a Gator, during a game. Well, I did…and I ended up getting an erection!” said a weeping Sanders. “Ricky was really, really cute…and he was straight too, but man was he warm and snuggly, just like Ray Ray (Ray Lewis).”
Sanders then elaborated further on his fear of getting an erection during an NFL game. “Watch my eyes next time you see a highlight where I’m supposed to make a tackle. If you’ll notice you’ll see that I am actually staring at the crotch of the player. I am in a trance. It takes all my power to not leap at his crotch, and by the time I snap out of it, I miss the tackle!”
Not much is known yet about Colt McCoy. There is speculation that he may have fallen in with bad role models the likes of Brett Favre. There is also the possibility that McCoy gave up on a normal, professional football life when he was drafted by the Cleveland Browns.