Tampa, FL: The record-breaking heat wave that is scorching much of the Northeast is likely to last through the weekend, according to weather forecasters. The heat wave, which has been moving steadily across the country for the last several days, has caused temperatures to soar past one hundred degrees from as far south as Virginia and as far north as Massachusetts.
“So freaking what?” exclaimed Dennis Mahoney of Miami, Florida. “It’s often around one hundred degrees here in South Florida. You don’t see no news about that.”
Shirley Jackson of Lakeland, Florida, shared that sentiment. “Those northerners ain’t nothing but a bunch of sissies, if you ask me. It was 99 degrees three times last week and 102 on Saturday. You don’t see me calling no news station about that, do you?”
The heat has been taking its toll on Americans from all walks of life. In Massachusetts, Lt. Gov. Tim Murray ended up in the hospital after participating in several Fourth of July parades over the weekend. The heat was blamed for the deaths of a 92-year-old Philadelphia woman whose body was found Monday and a homeless woman in suburban Detroit, the Associated Press reported.
“My air conditioning was out for all of 2005 and part of 2006,” claimed Jeff Hodges of Tampa, Florida. “Know what I did to stop myself from dying? I drank water and took cold showers. Shocking, I know.”
“Them people’s got to man up and stop being a bunch of goddamn whiny babies,” stated Denver Boorsman, a fifth generation Floridian who lives in the Everglades. “I ain’t never had no air conditioning and I only drink water once a day. Somebody up north’s got to grow some damn balls, if you ask me. I’m amazed them boys won the Civil War – what with them not being able to take a little heat and all.”
Lt. Gov. Tim Murray was appalled at the lack of empathy from the Floridians. According to sources, he attempted to leave his air conditioned hospital room to make a televised statement in regards to the “sturdiness” of the northerners, only to faint in the hallway. His spokesman stated that he will remain in the hospital until it’s “not too hot out.”