Wellington, New Zealand: With such horribly predictable plot lines and below-par acting, it was bound to happen eventually—Eclipse, the third film in the overrated Twilight saga, bored a movie-goer to death.
Les Tateman, 23, was found slumped over in his soda-stained seat in a theater in Wellington, New Zealand, after one of the hundred thousand showings of Eclipse. Teenage workers were busy sweeping popcorn off the floor in between shows when they found him.
“It happens all the time,” said Brad Helsing, 17. “People are always falling asleep during Twilight movies. We just nudge them awake with our brooms. We’re thinking about installing alarm clocks in the theaters.”
However, Tateman could not be wakened by broom handle nudging. So, Helsing and fellow workers called paramedics.
When the paramedics arrived on the scene, they attempted to resuscitate the young man, but to no avail: “He was already as pale and cold as Edward Cullen,” said Claudia Lions, one of the paramedics.
There were no visible injuries on Tateman, and an autopsy found no physical cause of death. “As far as I can say, he died of sheer boredom,” said Anita Rice, the coroner who performed the autopsy.
Investigators are considering charging Stephenie Meyer, the author behind the Twilight series, with involuntary manslaughter.
Officials are now warning that, while the young man may be the first casualty, he is not the first to be harmed by the Twilight saga:
During the days leading up to Twilight movie premieres, Emergency Rooms across the globe reported a flood of patients with broken bones and crushed skulls from being trampled on ticket lines. They also reported seeing young girls with broken noses, hair torn from their scalps, and finger nail scratches from numerous Team Edward/Team Jacob arguments that turned violent.
A hospital in Delaware reported unusually high incidents of teenage girls biting one another in attempts to turn each other into vampires. Doctors administered tetanus shots and referred the girls to the local mental hospital for “Twilight Detox.”
In the mountainous areas of the U.S., doctors are seeing a growing number of wolf attacks. “More and more young women are approaching the wolves in hopes that the wild animals will transform into teen boys with six-pack abs,” said a representative of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.
Psychiatrists are also seeing a slew of new patients. “I’ve had a number of young women arrive at my office telling me that they know they’re really vampires trapped in mortal bodies,” said Dr. Lisa J. Smith. “I’ve named the condition ‘Trans-Fang Syndrome’.” Other psychiatrists are seeing an influx of older women worried about their new pedophiliac desires towards teenage boys with rock hard bodies, and a number of other women are seeking help for their newfound sexual attraction to German Shepherds, Alaskan Huskies, and other wolf-like dogs.
“I worry we haven’t seen the worst of it,” added Anita Rice. “People need to remember that Twilight is just a book. And not even a good one.”