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Disgraced English Football Fans Return Home

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   With the eyes of the world upon them, with the hopes of the nation resting on their shoulders, and with over a hundred years of history and tradition to uphold, the first plane-load of returning English football fans landed at London’s Heathrow airport today, under a black cloud of despair.

   Just as every Brit who followed the unfolding lackluster debacle from their favorite armchair, or pub, or car radio, will tell you, this is a day to drop our heads in abject shame at such a wasted opportunity.

   What we had all seen was a string of missed chances, a general disinterest in attacking the other sides, a lighthearted, almost ‘holiday’, mood to what could and surely should have been a defining moment on the world stage.

   Not a single English football fan had been arrested in South Africa at any point during the last two weeks.

   Not one.Talentless soccer hooligans.

   Not even a night in a cell for being drunk in charge of a push-bike, or exposing buttocks in a public place, or dropping litter, or setting fire to a Frenchman, or even a casual murder or two. Nothing.  It is an absolute disgrace.

   These travelling fans are highly paid professionals, and to have had to watch them, strolling around in a friendly manner, showing respect for the locals and their traditions, even eating their food and generally contributing to the carnival & family atmosphere, just shows how the British seem to have lost all sight of what it means to represent their country at this level.

   The British Foreign Office is now taking emergency steps to prevent many of these returning fans from attending future games.

   “These arrogant and self interested people showed a total lack of respect for the name of Britain. We simply cannot have these so-called fans acting politely and being civilized and tolerant,” stated leading Government Minister Sir Giles Giles Horsesarse. “Next thing, they’ll even be learning the bloody language, then where will we be?”

   The England football team manager, Fabio Crapola, has firmly been accused of not doing enough to stir up racism and xenophobia amongst the English fans.

   With his obviously foreign name and funny accent, this was a golden opportunity, but one which Crapola failed to exploit. It was even suggested to him that he put on a silly walk and maybe grow a big ginger moustache, just to add that extra fuel for the fans, but he flatly refused, and this is now being held up as a sign of lack of commitment.

   There is now talk about re-introducing football violence to the schools’ curriculum, and even making free workshops available for the under-privileged.

   Something needs to be done, and fast, if Britain is to recover from this dark hour.

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