FRANCE: Not so long ago, in a lab across the Atlantic, several psychologists donned their white lab coats, popped some popcorn (extra butter), and set out to diagnose one of the most famous villains in film history—Darth Vader.
Now, any smart working person knows what this really was—a clever way for some sci-fi enthusiasts to get paid to watch movies. But, nevertheless, their findings made their way into various academic and medical journals around the globe.
According to the articles detailing their intense study of the Dark Lord, the Toulouse University Hospital psychologists reserved a room in the hospital mental ward, brought in a couple of La-Z-Boys, installed a flat screen TV, plugged in a microwave and then hosted their own sci-fi movie marathon during which they watched all the Star Wars films. After many intense hours of scientific investigation and a role playing game involving plastic light sabers, they emerged from the padded room and presented their diagnosis:
Darth Vader had borderline personality disorder. He was also likely on drugs (aka, “The Force”).
“We hope that bringing Vader’s diagnosis to light will help others who are drawn to the Dark Side,” said psychologist Dr. Jacques Escargot. “If people see a little bit of themselves in Darth Vader, perhaps they’ll seek help.”
“Oui, oui!” agreed Dr. Andre Poissons. “We want to help others. We want to be their Yodas.”
While the over-educated, overpaid community of intellectuals applauded the psychologists’ study, some Star Wars fans weren’t impressed.
“Well, duh!” commented Star Wars geek Drew Dunsford, 17, of Boisie, Idaho. “All real fans already knew that! It doesn’t take a genius to know Darth was a doofus and the Death Star was a crack house. But that’s what’s awesome!”
Due to the popularity of their findings—as well as to avoid studying actual patients—the psychologists plan to conduct similar studies in the future. But first, they want to diagnose the rest of the Star Wars characters. They have already planned another movie marathon, this time to diagnose Princess Leia (she has daddy issues) and Luke (he’s a Force addict like his father). In order to reach out to other sci-fi enthusiasts with mental issues, they want to publish their findings in a self-help book to be titled May the Force NOT Be with You: How to Resist the Power of the Dark Side.
They also plan to invite other specialists to their future movie marathons to diagnose the characters’ other health troubles. “We think Vader had emphysema and that the Wookie’s hairiness was due to a hormonal imbalance,” said Dr. Poissons, “But we don’t know for sure.”