Barstow, CA: Earthquakes, volcanoes, floods, terrorist attacks, oil spills, a black President—it all has some folks screaming “Apocalypse!” Add to it the fact that the ancient Mayans grew tired of chiseling their calendar when they hit the year 2012, and it comes as no surprise that some people are shaking in their Crocs.
But the terrified folks have nothing to fear. A company out in California has taken it upon itself to build the bunkers that will withstand the end of the world and ensure that the human race (or, rather, a small psychotic faction of it) will live on.
These Doomsday Bunkers, as they’re being called by LiveOn Enterprises, are being built underground in the Mojave Desert and in Midwestern areas that have often been magnets for tornadoes and religious fanatics, but have now been chosen to be the next Gardens of Eden.
The bunkers are said to be nuke-proof and are able to withstand electromagnetic pulses that could destroy electrical equipment, so feel free to bring your iPods and Wii Gaming Systems. LiveOn Enterprises, however, hasn’t yet commented on how their bunkers will stand up during apocalyptic earthquakes, worldwide volcanic eruptions, widespread flooding, pummeling asteroids, pandemic diseases, or an alien invasion, so be sure to also pack a floatation device, helmet, antibiotics, and several laser guns.
For those worried about having to live underground for a gazillion years waiting for the nuclear dust to settle, LiveOn Enterprises also guarantees that its bunkers will be luxurious. They are reported to come complete with a gym for maintaining your Doomsday figure, tanning beds so that the human race won’t get pasty living underground, an atrium so you and your loved ones can watch the nuclear fallout as it blocks out the sun, a church for Jesus to preach in when he returns, and a library full of Stephenie Meyer books. And forget about canned food—there will be a professional chef on staff to whip up elegant apocalyptic cuisine sure to tingle your radioactive taste buds.
Critics of the bunkers claim that the company is preying on people’s fear. Rich Adams, CEO of LiveOn Enterprises, counters that his company’s purpose is “to save lives, to ensure that the human race lives on.”
And it will live on—for a price. For $50,000 you can reserve yourself a bunk on a bunk bed a la summer camp 
style. For a million, you can splurge and get a whole room. “It’s really not that much when you think about what you’re doing. You’re saving your life and the lives of your loved ones. You’re saving the human race.”
In honor of Noah and his Ark, LiveOn Enterprises will give your friend Fido a space in the bunker kennel free of charge.
LiveOn Enterprises encourages fearful folks to act now. “The way things are going, the end of the world could happen any day now. I encourage you to sell your double wides and John Deeres and invest in your post-Apocalyptic future now!”