Los Angeles, CA:This past weekend, fans of the ABC television show “LOST” became enraged to find that the last episode of the show had been leaked eight weeks before it was supposed to air. This has been viewed as the worst spoiler since James Cameron explained to the public the FX work involved in shooting the sinking of the Titanic.
The show, which spanned six seasons, six continents, 32 cameos, and at least 200 different theoretical timelines, has touted this sixth and latest season as its “Final Season” where “all questions would be answered” and “every single person from the previous five seasons would make an appearance in case you forgot about them”.
Unfortunately for hopeful fans, all that became of the sixth season, up until now, were more questions and confusion.
“Everything I thought I knew about the show from watching it, and chatting on internet forums, and researching everything from history to metaphysics, has been shot to sh*t these past few weeks,” stated local fan-boy Elliot Koopman. “Sure, it keeps the debates going about who’s evil, who’s going to succeed Jacob, and who Kate really wants to bang, but how long do I have to wait before I can tell a bunch of random people I’ve never met ‘I told you so’ in LOST’s Facebook group?”
Luckily for Mr. Koopman, he no longer needs to wait, as the final episode leaked on internet torrent threads this past Saturday. In case the ending has not been ruined for you currently, here are some of the important items from the final episode that helped to explain the show’s unanswered questions:
Jack Shephard goes back to drinking.
The man Claire conceived Aaron with, Thomas, was actually Charles Widmore, who is actually the Smoke Monster, who is actually Marty McFly, who is actually Michael J. Fox, who is actually the love-child of Liza Minelli and George Burn’s evil twin brother Seamus.
The island is metaphorical: it is actually a techno dance club in the East Village of New York City.
Richard is actually Captain Jack Sparrow, whose boat was tossed onto the island by the sea goddess Calypso in the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Jack’s Lucky Shoe, further proving that Disney owns everything.
The whole show was actually the dream of a man that fell asleep on a New York subway named Marcus Vollano, who has nothing to do with the show until the last five minutes of the final episode of the final season.
With the release of this information, riots began to break out across the country, as fans that have dealt with the rollercoasting show for the past five years became furious at the idea that they wasted their time watching a show that would end itself in such a pathetic fashion.
“I can forgive a stupid plot device like having everyone get off the island, then return because some old lady told them to,” explained television viewer Reese McCallum. “But to say it was all a dream is the biggest cop-out I’ve ever seen since “Seinfeld” closed with the gang going to jail during a recap episode. That’s almost six years of television viewing, hypothesizing, and internet arguing that I’ll never get back.”