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Russia Implements “No Child Return” Policy


Washington, DC: Prompted by the case of Artyom Savelyev, Russia is implementing a “No Child Return Policy” when it comes to foreign adoptions.

   Savelyev, a 7 year old Russian boy, was adopted in September 2009 by Torry Hansen, a 33 year old Tennessee woman. After only seven months of mothering, Hansen grew fearful of the boy and gave him a one-way ticket back to Russia.

   “Said he was gonna burn the house down!” Hansen told reporters. “And he spit and had no manners. He was a monster!”

   In case the child had any doubts as to why he was being sent back to his frozen homeland, Hansen had thoughtfully slipped a note into his backpack explaining that he was a “psychopath.”

   Russian President Dmitry Medvedev called Hansen’s actions horrific. “Artyom obviously fell into a very bad family. Why else would they want to return him? He is a loving, kind Russian. Why would anyone ever be afraid of a Russian?”

   In the wake of the returned adoptee, Russia has frozen all foreign adoptions. They are also implementing a “No Child Return” Policy.

   “It is like underwear,” said President Medvedev. “Once you wear them, you cannot take them back to the store and ask for your money back. Same with Russian children.”

   Numerous Americans are also criticizing Hansen for her actions.

   “Did she really think a seven year old boy was going to be an angel?” commented Stella Landers, a Tennessee mother of four. “My son did burn the house down! You don’t see me shipping him off anywhere.”

   “I’m for the No Child Return Policy,” added Myrtle Copeland, a fellow Tennessee mother. “I can’t return my God-awful children, why should she be allowed to?”

   Both Russian and American authorities are currently looking into the case.

   In the meantime, Hansen is currently attempting to adopt a little girl from China. The Chinese orphans come with a “psychopath-free” guarantee. However, they are not guaranteed to be lead-free.

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