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Monsters VS the State, City, and County of NY


   Crime is everyone’s concern, and criminals in our society must be dealt with aptly. We in the civilized world work very hard to create systems of justice that reflect this desire. A desire to be stern yet fair; thusly, in the United States, our system of laws are in a constant state of flux, and are protected by a group mentioned briefly in the Declaration of Independence as “We the People”.

   We collectively seek a balance in which cruel and unusual punishment is abolished, and a country in which the punishment does indeed fit the particulars of the crime.

   However, sometimes the law has to play catch-up, and take into consideration those who have historically been on the fringes of our great civilization.

   In this case the so called Monsters.

   For quite some time now, Monsters who find themselves afoul of the laws in New York State have also found themselves square against an unyielding wall of the harshest punishments imaginable, most times without the benefit of a fair trial or representation.

   Experts most often cite the case of New York v. King Kong:

king kong dossier

   While traveling through a foreign island chain, an American starlet inadvertently became the victim of an embarrassing cultural faux-pas: she became part of an arranged marriage. Her husband to be was assumed royalty, a near hundred foot tall ape known as ‘King’ Kong. The relationship, needless to say, was doomed from the offset. In an odd chain of events, Kong was kidnapped and taken back to America, where he was forced into bondage and expected to perform for large New York audiences without compensation on a nightly basis. (New York audiences are known to be some of the toughest in the world.) Violence ensued; Kong escaped, collected his wife, and went on the run.

Kong’s crimes:
Ironically… kidnapping, inciting a riot, destruction of public property, violation of noise ordinances, and loitering.

Death by impact and firing squadron… Kong was shot with high caliber machine guns and fell off of the Empire State Building.

   Since this event occurred sometime in the thirties, many say this could never happen in modern America. Kong’s royal lineage would most likely make him a candidate for diplomatic immunity, and he himself having been kidnapped would be offered psychological treatment. At the very worst he would face deportation.

   Others strongly disagree, citing New York v. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man:

stay-puft dossier

   It was just the mid-nineteen eighties when a very public religious dispute ended in what some claim was an unnecessary tragedy. After an astonishing fifty years of bringing joy to scouts and campers from all walks of life, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, spokesman for the marshmallow company of the same name, proclaimed himself a God. Adopting the name ‘Gozer the Traveler’, he appeared on Central Park West, fifty feet tall, seeking other confessed Gods to exact his dominance over. He loudly threatened the whole of existence in what witnesses now say seemed to be a drunken tirade. Witnesses claim he smiled the whole time he stomped a local church and other surrounding structures.

Gozer/Stay Puft’s crimes:
Destruction of public and private property, terrorist threats, threats to perform genocide, illegal entry into the Continental United States, violation of noise ordinances, and loitering.

Death by back-draft and shockwave, as a result of multi-dimensional fusion. Stay-Puft’s melted mass was strewn all over Central Park West.

   For years now, there has been quiet criticism of New York’s heavy handed policies on the handling of Monsters and Monster rampages, from around the country as well as around the world. Laws adorn the books for the state dating as far back as the seventeen and eighteen hundreds, involving accounts of actions conceived of to take on the Headless Horseman. Officials from Japan have been known from time to time to challenge America to create anlost godzilla insulation, much like their own segregation program referred to openly as Monster Island. The Japanese report that in some cases the so called Monsters (the most famous of which being Godzilla) have even taken on the role of protectors from time to time. They say this is a result of proper rehabilitation.

   New York charged Godzilla with a battery of crimes in the nineties, and demanded that Japan deliver him for justice and punishment. However, the New York Godzilla attacks turned out to be a hoax perpetrated by a giant lizard and actor Matthew Broderick, in an attempt to change the career path of the actor. The lizard and its offspring where destroyed. Matthew avoided a lengthy prison sentence by doing a stint on Broadway and then settled out of court.

   There has been talk that his marker was bought by Disney, and is on loan frequently. All charges against Godzilla were dropped.

   A small town in the mid-west reported a ‘blob’ attack in the fifties that was handled with a sentence of ‘permanent cryonic suspension’, a sentence that most agree is reasonable.

   Even undead suspected mass murder Jason Voorhees, who has been in a bitter land dispute with his home state over a camp his family was granted in a class action suit, has unresolved issues with the state of New York.

   Despite all of this, New York is unwavering in its methods. Arizona and Nevada officials refused to answer questions on their own Monster litigations. Both states have strict pest control laws, and enforcement is swift due to outbreaks of oversize insects, lizards, worms, bunnies, and spiders over the last sixty years.

   New York officials have been very public about these events, and the response to them being decades old. They state that the new administration cannot be held in contention for actions taken by the old guard. They also deny unsubstantiated reports of larger than average turtles who exhibit advanced martial-arts skills.

   Soon after this statement was re-released, a series of classified tapes surfaced. They were proven to be records of events covered up over the last five to ten years. They included, but are not limited to, several outbreaks of large intelligent insects, rat-human hybrids, and a group of large creatures attacking Manhattan by way of the East River.

   The latter in particular is of great concern to the environmentalist movement, who members insist that years of pollution to the New York waterways may have been misinterpreted as an act of war, and fueled said aggression. That is, if these creatures are in fact life forms indigenous to the river itself.

   Ocourse, this is merely speculation, as is how New York State, City and County executed the final solutions to these problems. You see, these tapes are all rather incomplete, and the New York State government is no longer making comments.

   I am Anthony Saint Thomas reporting for The Inept Owl.

   Thank You.

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