Lenexa, KS: Reminiscent of the Christian-prescribed “pray the gay away” solution to homosexuality, a Kansas church has formed a support group for women who claim to be addicted to pornography. The solution to their addiction? Pray the porn away, of course.

   While some men might find a porn-loving woman a dream-come-true, group founder Prudence Frost claims it’s anot safe for church real problem: “In the Christian culture, women are supposed to be nonsexual.” So much for the women’s movement. The free-loving women of the 60s just rolled over in their graves.

   Frost, a self-proclaimed porn addict, says she became addicted to pornography at the age of 13, when she stumbled upon one of her brother’s dirty magazines. Like most normal people who stumble upon pornography, it piqued her curiosity and—doing what Heff designed it to do—turned her on. This, she claims, led to more pornography cravings, as well as masturbation, phone sex, and cybersex—all rather common experiences for curious and hormonal youngsters, but which she found to be acts of Satan.

   Frost’s solution to her addiction was to talk to the Big Guy Upstairs, aka The Creator of Bumping Uglies. As far as we know, He never really talked back to Frost (if He did, her love of porn would likely be the least of her concerns). So the solution, she feels, is to pray about it. And that’s what her support group does every week.

   During a recent group meeting, Mary, the youngest member at only age 16, sadly admitted to “relapsing” once during the previous week. Shame, shame. She vowed to pray harder. Her teenage brother “relapsed” about 100 times, but that was deemed “normal” and made his dad proud.

   When it was her turn to confess her bad girl deeds, Frost was proud to admit that she had recently watched the film Titanic—including the sexy bits—and didn’t have a relapse. Yay for her! Her woman parts are as frozen as Leonardo DiCaprio’s frosty-pop. She’ll definitely make some man really happy one day.

   The group also emphasizes “recovering sexual purity”—which means only thinking about sex if it involves your husband. This is particularly bad news for women whose husbands are more Homer Simpson than Dwayne Johnson and need the mental image of the latter to stop them from recoiling in repulsion at the touch of their dear Homer.

   The group also views sexual arousal as a “sin” rather than a normal, unavoidable, biological response found in every living organism from humans to sea monkeys. And masturbation? Forget about it. God kills a kitten every time you touch yourself.

   While many in the professional community are skeptical that porn addiction even exists—and even more are skeptical of the replace-porn-with-God approach—many groups just like Frost’s are popping up in God-marts across the country. To find one, just drive down a country road and look for a warehouse-sized steel structure with a gigantic cross on top. Stop in and they’ll find a group for you.

   But, be warned: side effects of the “pray the porn away” technique include, but are not limited to a duller-than-dull fantasy life, frequent guilt (even for non-Catholics), the inability to enjoy R-rated films, increased judgment of people who like to bump uglies, boring college years, moth crotch, and the sudden impulse to pray every time one gets horny.