Jess vents on the latest news topics of interest!
1) Idaho woman says violent housecat nearly killed her
First of all, cats suck. This statement may ostracize me from my sister and her fiance, who happen to own two cats. Their cats are lovely, but the rest of the species can just go to hell. And by “go to hell” I mean we should gather up every cat on the planet and shoot them to Mars in a rocket. Hopefully NASA will screw up the coordinates and instead of “Cats on Mars” it will be “Cats Trying to Figure Out What to do in the Depths of Outerspace”.
A woman in Idaho ended up in the hospital after being attacked by her housecat. The cat had apparently just given birth to kittens, and afterwards turned into a raging wild animal and bit the woman 35 times.
Um. First of all, cats are like 1/8th the size of a normal human being. How could something like that bite a person 35 TIMES. 35 times seems a little excessive when you could just reach for the nearest object and beat the cat with it until it let go. I mean, the thing is biting you, for God’s sake. I’d beat close relatives if they tried to bite me. If they bit me 35 times they’d better be watching over their shoulder for a Hummer and a girl with a shotgun at the wheel everytime they tried to cross the street.
After the attack, the family gave the cat to the local animal shelter.
Good idea, let the damn thing attack somebody else. I have an idea, why not put it in a cage with a tiger and see who comes out on top? If that sucker is going to live it should have to prove itself or something.
2) (In an unrelated story) Woman Bites Man who called her “Fat”
At a party in Lincoln, Nebraska, a man went up to a woman and told her she was fat. The woman recipr
ocated by tackling the man and biting a chunk of his ear off.
Dude, if there’s one thing men should be taught at a very young age, is that you NEVER call a woman fat. I don’t care if the woman is 800 lbs and breaks every piece of furniture in your house that she sits on, never ever ever call a woman fat. This is akin to wrapping yourself in bacon and locking yourself in a cage with a bobcat. It’s most likely not going to work out well for you.
Police say the chunk of ear wasn’t found.
Of course it wasn’t found. Do you think this woman got fat by spitting out food?
2) St. Vincent’s Hospital In NYC closes its doors for good after 160 years of service
This is excellent, because I still owe those bastards $75 for an emergency room visit I had last May. I’ve been waiting them out this whole time, HOPING they’d go out of business.
Not that I’m adverse to paying hospital bills. In fact, most of the time I kind of try to avoid going to the hospital.
On this particular occasion I had broken my wrist, so it was a little unavoidable. I ended up there at 7am on a Sunday morning. If you’ve ever been to the hospital, you know it’s not really a first come, first serve kind of institution. You get to the waiting room and hope there aren’t any people bleeding on the floor, if not then you’ve got a pretty good chance of getting in to see a doctor within 2 hours or so. If there IS somebody bleeding on the floor, and you’re only waiting for an x-ray for a possible broken bone, I suggest you immediately head to Toys-R-Us and get a kids toy x-ray kit and attempt that examination yourself.
Anyway, I got into the back room after about 35 minutes. They stuck me in this tiny closet, closed the curtain, and then proceeded to forget about me for 3 hours. Eventually I figured out that they didn’t realize I was back there. I went out to the desk and the nurse confirmed it. In fact, she thought I’d already been treated and had left the building. I told her I had not, in fact, performed my own x-ray and wrapped myself in a cast, I thought that was better left to the “professionals”.
Eventually a professional came to see me. She was a professional student and looked to be about 14 years old. She did get me x-rayed, confirmed the wrist was broken, and she wrapped it in a cast. And then she gave me some lovely pain pills and was immediately my new best friend.
After all this drama I stopped by the billing office, where they informed me that I owed them $75 for the visit, based on my insurance. I “politely” told her to bill me, which they did. And then I ignored the bill for the past 11 months.
My thinking is my time is worth at least $50 an hour. I have no actual basis for this, but if I am worth $50 an hour, and they wasted three hours of my time, don’t they actually owe ME money? I’ve decided to be the bigger person and hide and not remind them. I also moved a couple of times and faked a hispanic accent when they called me.
And now I’ve won. It’s a great day for the American consumer. Or at least for me.
3) Texas crew mistakenly demolishes the wrong house
In a small Texas town, a work crew was set to demolish a house that had been condemned. It’s most likely on
e of those houses who’s front yard boasts at least three cars up on cinder blocks and basically looks like it would blow over if a light wind blew by. Apparently, instead of demolishing the house that had been condemned, they mistakenly demolished the house across the street. A woman, 69, who had been living there for 40 years, was “devastated”.
Listen, if a wrecking crew comes to demolish a house that’s been condemned and they mistake YOUR house for the condemned one, maybe you should slap some paint on the place and think about moving some of the trash to the backyard where it’s less noticable. Wrecking crews don’t just mistake gorgeous, well maintained houses for structures that the city has deemed “unlivable”. I’ve been watching that show “Horders”, and how these people live in these places is beyond me. I’d probably be thanking somebody if they came and tore down my trash heap. You know, chance to start fresh. Sell the land and go buy a nice condo somewhere. Preferably somewhere with maintence people because you’re obviously not particularly good with that aspect of home owning.
Meanwhile, the guy who lives across the street probably spent the last week cleaning the HELL out of his place.
This is probably like somebody coming up to rob you and shoving a gun in your face. And then they get distracted by some lady next to you carrying a nice purse, wearing clothes that do not have holes in them. And you escape and vow to never again go to an IHOP in Southern Florida at 3am when you’re drunk.
4) Boy Scouts introduce new Video Game Badge
Boy Scouts are now offering badges for video games. Why couldn’t somebody have this stroke of genius when I was in Girl Scouts? I’m not exactly sure WHY I joined, because I’m not much of a club person, I hate selling things, and I’m generally lazy when it comes to doing things for merit.
I was in the Scouts for a year and a half and the bastards only gave me one badge: a badge for grooming. Apparently I was always well groomed and so I ended up with a cute little badge with a comb and mirror on it. The fact that the ONLY badge I got was for brushing my hair and looking presentable basically means I was probably a fairly narcisistic 11 year old. Or that my parents made me shower every day.
I would have gotten my “expert ninja” badge, except they kept telling me repeatedly that they did not offer a badge for being a ninja. I spent most of the meetings karate chopping everything in site just to prove that they SHOULD offer one, but they never bended. I eventually got kicked out for making fun of another girl who basically annoyed the hell out of me because she sold about 200,000 more boxes of cookies than I did. What kid spends their spare time sitting around at the supermarket selling boxes of cookies? Ungroomed losers, that’s who.
I still have the design I drew for the ninja badge, if anybody’s interested.
