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Brain Vomit by Jess


    Staff writer Jessica vents on this week’s news!

1) Qatari diplomat questioned after bomb scare on plane.

   Apparently, a Qatari diplomat tried to have a smokey smoke in the bathroom on his flight fromairport security Washingtion to Denver, and when confronted about the smell of smoke by a stewardess and a US Marshall he made a joke that he was “trying to light his shoe on fire.”


   Eight months after 9/11, coming back from vacation, my parents dropped me off at this tiny airport in western Massachusetts where I was supposed to catch a flight back to NYC. I was going through the security line and I had forgotten to take off my watch. I struggled to remove it and before I could the security guy said to me, “Don’t worry about it. Just cover it with your hand. The sensors won’t go off.”

   To which I responded “Oh, so I could also cover my GUN with my hand?”

   I was pissed. We’d just come out of a national security meltdown and this guy was being a little too blase about safety for my taste. Make me take my watch off. Make me feel a little more secure about the fact that these metal detectors actually WORK.

   Well, as it turns out, he was also a little pissed off. Apparently, you’re not allowed to mention the word “gun” in an airport security area. I almost got arrested, but was saved by my winning smile and infectuous charm.

   Also, they were understaffed. Who has two thumbs and hates his job? The security guard at Worchester gate 1 (out of 2).

   I learned my lesson (kind of). I’m still a jackass with airport security, but in a way that won’t get me arrested. (Somebody has to keep these people on their toes).

   Why this guy thought it would be a good idea to reference a shoe bombing, I don’t know. I marvel at his ingenuity. I guess he rivals me in the charm department as he also didn’t get arrested. Do airport police arrest ANYONE?

2) Tiger Woods makes his return to golf with Masters hunt.

   Tiger previously announced that he was going to take an “indefinite break from golf.” Apparently to Tiger, indefinite means 3 months. Indefinite to me means A LONG ASS TIME.tiger woods

   Like “I’m taking an indefinite amount of time away from working” (aka retirement)


   “I’m taking an indefinite vacation from shopping (would never happen)

   To Tiger, indefinite means “As soon as I start needing sponsership money”. I can’t blame him. If I was a billion dollar golf player, I’d probably get sick of staying home and pretending to be a good husband/father around the 3 month mark. How many diapers do you have to change before you can cash in the get out of jail card?

   “Honey, I burped the kid 4 times this week. Can I please put on my golf glove and go play with the guys?”

   You know Elin’s got his balls in a vice. And this vice is gold plated with a diamond handle and runs on a pre-nup.

3) Elizabeth Taylor to marry for the 9th time.

   I’m not sure which direction to go with this.

   I’ve never been married. The closest I’ve come to marriage is when I was 4, and I trapped Keith Blackwellliz taylor under the picnic table in my backyard. I threatened him with cooties if he wouldn’t marry me. At the time, all he had to offer was a room in his parent’s house…which happened to be the EXACT same room I had in my house (track housing). Thankfully, he threw some dirt at me and escaped.

   Liz Taylor is about five thousand years old. I saw a dinosaur walking around the other day that was younger than her. Why on earth is she getting married again? At first I thought this was a joke. I was 90% sure Liz Taylor had died in the 90s.

   Apparently not. And I just have to wonder: So many people in California are concerned about the “sanctity” of marriage. I guess it’s okay if a heterosexual movie star gets married a billion times. She’s obviously got the “sanctity” of marriage front and center on her list of priorities.

4) John Paul Stevens retiring from the Supreme Court.john paul stevens

   This actually isn’t funny, it’s sad. But it’s monumental so I had to include it. Stevens is an amazing man. We, as a country, are blessed with having a person of his caliber lending an ear to our problems. People like this are rare finds, and I hope Obama is able to fill the shoes with somebody who needs to listen, to learn, and to be fundamentally impartial to the best of his or her ability.


5) Man was alive at Liverpool airport, wife says.

   The interesting story of the week was about a German women who tried to smuggle a corpse onto a plane. She had the body in a wheelchair, disguised with a blanket and sunglasses.dead guy

   Now. If I knew that’s all it took to get on a flight for free, I would have broken out my dead person wheelchair costume YEARS ago. Seriously?

  •    blanket – check
  •    sunglasses – check
  •    wheelchair – rentable
  •    Seeing the look on the stewardesses face when they take off the sunglasses: priceless

   The woman now says that her 91 year old husband was alive when he got to the airport. “At home he was still warm!”

   Still warm? I guess that’s a German expression. Wink wink. Seriously though, if your spouse died suddenly, wouldn’t you call 911? Or the equivalent to 911? I’m pretty sure I’d tell somebody.

   Although…..this means you get to eat their meal. Oh, baby.

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