New York, NY: The New York Jets, looking for a complement to lock down cornerback Darelle Revis, have signed free agent Antonio Cromartie in a move seen as expected and no surprise at all. In addition to his skills as a cornerback, Cromartie apparently has other skills as well that sometimes involve bumping and running.
Cromartie, who has twelve children living in five states and has been named in at least five paternity suits in the past two years, welcomed the new contract with open drawers, er, arms. Interviewed by Suzy Kolber for ESPN, Cromartie remarked about his contract. “See Suzy, it’s like this. Football is the sport closest to my heart, but bumpin’ nasties is the sport that’s closest to my crotch. And I’m really, really good at it. In fact…damn Suzy, you are fine! Has anyone ever told you that?”
Kolber responded, “Yes Antonio, actually someone else has. Joe Namath. Another Jet.”
Cromartie recently reclaimed his self-named “Cromartie” trophy, awarded to the most high-profile baby-daddy around the globe. The trophy was last awarded to politician John Edwards after the Chargers were bounced from the playoffs and everyone forgot who Antonio Cromartie was.
Darelle Revis, the Jets’ starting cornerback, has been chided by Jets management for having no children yet, especially since he’s not married. Management fears this is sending the wrong message to children and Jets fans alike, who are predominately children.
“Listen, if our players aren’t having kids out of wedlock, then what does that say to the children? Don’t have kids out of wedlock? Then where would we be? The population would dwindle and we’d have less revenue as an NFL franchise. That’s not going to happen if we can help it. Darelle knows what he needs to do; he just needs to get busy like Antonio,” stated Jets General Manager Mike Tannenbaum.
Cromartie’s arrival comes at a good time, as the Jets have opened up a nursery for him and many other players and coaches on their roster. The Jets are the current holders of the Derrick Thomas Memorial Powwow Award, given annually to the NFL team that has the most players with the most children out of wedlock.
The Jets signed way past his prime RB LaDanian Tomlinson, who was recently dumped from the San Diego Chargers. This move was deemed necessary, as the Jets recently dumped their previous starting RB, Thomas Jones, who was coming off the best season of his career. In what was initially seen as a youth movement at RB, and in an effort to disguise the true motive which was an attempt to avoid paying Jones a roster bonus, the Jets unceremoniously cut the highly productive Jones. Tomlinson has not been productive for several years now and is older than Jones, though this works perfectly utilizing the logic preferred in the alternate universe of the NY Jets.
In other alternate universe news, Rex Ryan is trying to lose some weight.