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Chuck Norris Facts Celebrate Birthday


   This past Wednesday, actor/martial artist/worldwide hero Chuck Norris turned 70, prompting a whole new round of orgiastic internet squees from basement-dwelling dorks across the globe.  More important than the actor’s birthday, however, was the anniversary of the the advent of Chuck Norris jokes, which have turned 12,010 years old.

   Artie Fonzarelly, world-renowned historian and curator of the Chuck Norris Awesomeatorium, explained that the phenomenon of Chuck Norris worship far predates the internet.  “As far as we can tell, the earliest recorded occurrence of Chuck Norris facts appears to come from the year 10,000 BC. There are cave drawings created by norris facttribal shamans that depict a bearded ginger delivering a roundhouse kick to a dinosaur. The next picture shows the dinosaurs all becoming extinct due to the single powerful blow.  The picture has a date inscribed next to it: 3/10/-10,000.  The Gregorian calendar wasn’t even invented yet, so we can assume one of two options. First, the cave dwellers calculated the date using twigs and pebbles to create an early abacus. We know this is unlikely, because that is a feat that only Chuck Norris could do.  Second, Chuck himself may have appeared to them in a vision and gave them the knowledge, acting as a sort of Prometheus of calendars.  This is the much more likely scenario.”

   Fonzarelly stated that the concept of Chuck Norris appearing in visions is not unprecedented in history. “The Book of Revelation? Originally, it referred to ‘the Alpha and the Omega and the Delta Force.’  But that book burst into flames out of sheer awesomeness, and it had to be rewritten as just ‘the Alpha and the Omega.’  You can find references to Chuck in the writings of Nostradamus and the Kabbalah and even L. Ron Hubbard.  Scientology uses the name ‘Xenu’ because they found ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’ to be too wordy a designation for their holy being.  Generally, we have found that every hundred years there has been a prophet who foretold of the coming of the great one.  We’re anticipating that the next one is either Lady Gaga or Sarah Palin.”

   These appearances throughout history have had great influences upon mankind’s progress; Chuck Norris has been indirectly responsible for many of society’s advances.  The mathematical concept known as the “symmetric property of equality” was invented in order to make statements like “Chuck Norris did not turn 70, 70 turned Chuck Norris” possible.  And while everyone knows that Al Gore invented the internet, most people are not aware that he invented it in order to have a platform upon which to spread Chuck Norris facts. In fact, internet service providers began switching from dial-up to high-speed formats due to ordinary phone lines not being able to contain Chuck Norris badassery; on Norris’ 55th birthday, phone lines all across America went down as trillions of birthday wishes raced across the world wide web.

   What has become obvious is that Chuck Norris facts never get old, and they will never, ever go away.

   (Disclaimer: The Inept Owl, as a part of the internet, was created to further the Norrisian cause. Any and all writings contained therein should be construed as truthful but flagrant propaganda for the Norrisian agenda.)

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