New York, NY: In a stunning move orchestrated by a contingent of conservative Washington lobbyists, the Girl Scouts of the United States of America (GSUSA) have been directly blamed for the prevalent and epidemic heart disease and obesity of the very country that they represent.
Indictments for murder and manslaughter charges are currently being prepared by the Justice Department.
This news comes on the heels of a new report by the New England Journal of Medicine that has strongly linked a ten-fold increase in sudden death by heart disease and related heart ailments with the beginning of Girl Scout cookie season.
Surgeon General Regina Benjamin has confirmed the government’s interpretation of these results. “It’s clear that there is a very strong link between Girl Scout cookies and sudden death due to a myriad of reasons. And for those who don’t die a sudden death, certainly a life of obesity and slow death awaits”.
In some recent cases, entire undigested cookie remnants (from Samoa’s and Trefoils, predominately) have been found lodged in arteries, leading to embolisms and complete arterial and/or venous blockages. Scientists recently isolated a substance they now coin as ultra trans fats from these cookies.
It was thought that the origin of the obesity link was based on and linked to the division of levels of Scouts, beginning with the unfortunate level of “Brownies”. The logic seems to be that the designation of young girls as Brownies seems to mysteriously lead to the development of plaques not unlike that found in Alzheimer’s victims. These plaques, which are sweet in nature, then lead to fissures in the malleable young female brain. This cascade of events seems to then trigger a heretofore unknown sociopathic link that was only previously witnessed during botched lobotomies. The criminal element seems to stem from the seemingly harmless grassroots selling of Girl Scout Cookies leading up to the corporate GSUSA brainwashing attempts that the government now deems both treasonous and homicidal.
CEO Kathy Cloninger was arrested at her home. She was charged with first degree murder. The Justice Department is also preparing indictments for 896, 298 other adults (based on the latest GSUSA stats) as well as 2,504,962 youths, all for conspiracy to commit murder and/or manslaughter (the JD is currently reviewing policy and procedure in this unprecedented case).
In an attempt to alleviate public concerns due to overcrowded prisons and Juvenile Detention Centers after the arrests of GSUSA members, the government has optimistically noted that it will now be easier to enter many grocery and retail stores without the stress and guilt of being bombarded by young girls and their sinister mothers peddling their poison pills in the form of innocent cookies with innocent sounding names. The FDA has also temporarily mandated a name change for the cookies in an effort to sway public opinion, while it reviews their safety:
- Thin Mints will now be known as Fat Mints
- Do-si-dos will now be known as Doo Doo’s
- Tagalongs will now be known as Tag, you’re FAT!’s
- Trefoils will now be known as Gee You Look Like a Tree
- Samoas will now be known as Fat Samoans