Entire United States of America – Members of the media, specifically those of the more right-handed radio resolve, are alternately confused and enthralled by the fact that Tiger Woods, once thought to be just African-Asian American, may be Jewish as well.
This belief came about from the utter media wash for which Tigers Woods was responsible for. For the past three months, a news story could not be intelligently covered without some sort of mention of Tiger Woods, particularly such inspiring on-the-scene newscasters such as Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh.
One Mr. Limbaugh had to catch himself from anointing Tigers Woods each time an olympic medal was awarded. “I had no control over it!” stated the robust, red-faced Limbaugh. “Everything seemed to revolve around Tiger Woods. Just yesteryday, I saw my cat, Tiger….dammit!”
“There’s only one type of person that could blanket the airwaves like Woods has,” Glenn Beck stated, before burtsting into tears and was unable to complete his thought.
It is now believed, due to the highly detailed research and reporting of FOX News, that Woods was originally born as Hyman Finkelstein, to parents Mordecai Finkelstein and Pearl Finkelstein (nee Schneider), Lubavitch Jews, and that he was auctioned off in Brooklyn, New York to an African-Asian American couple because he, in the words of his real father, “didn’t look”, meaning he didn’t look Jewish enough. Though his father initially wanted to sacrifice the youngster in accordance with prevailing Hasidic thought, it was his mother Pearl who saved him from this fate.
“A mother knows,” explained Pearl in an interview. “I knew he would be great at something. Did I know he would be great at golf and controlling the media? No, but I am very proud.”
According to FOX, famous Jews are now coming out of the woodwork to support Tiger. In fact, Al Franken, new Governor of Minnesota, has been commissioned to write a book on tiger Woods, tentatively titled:
“Out of the Woods and into the Shul: From the Brink, to the Links, to the Bank”
It is not yet known if this revelation will have psychological ramifications. The possibility exists that Tiger, in embracing his Jewish heritage, might lose all of his athletic prowess, proving that racial profiling may be more mental than genetic.
“Well, that’s just impossible,” explained Sean Hannity. “If golf counted as a real sport, I’d be getting mine like Wilt Chamberlain…or, Tiger Woods.”
Noted civil libertarian Alan Dershowitz had this to add. “You have to hand it to Tiger. First we give him credit for being a great golfer, and then we give him credit for being a great black golfer, now we’re giving him credit for being a great Jewish golfer impersonating a black golfer. Genius!”
Additional reporting by David Dukes