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City Healed: To Revert Back to Crotch of America

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New Orleans, LA: Celebrants filled the streets of New Orleans, spilling out from seedy sports bars and strip clubs and onto Bourbon Street to celebrate the Saints victory in the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl victory was seen as the final cog in the machine of the city’s recovery from the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina.mardi gras

   That was music to the ears of several thousand mentally challenged residents, who remained homeless from the tragedy and misunderstood the Super Bowl victory to mean that they would actually have a place to call home again. There was confusion after the Super Bowl as these residents, expecting new homes, found that the rhetoric of a Super Bowl victory curing their remaining ills was not warranted. New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin urged these residents to embrace their homelessness, as it helps to reaffirm New Orleans image as the preeminent armpit, or crotch, of America.

   “Brothers and sisters of New Orleans, homeless or not, I ask you now to patronize your city merchants more than ever. The bars, the voodoo shops, the strip clubs, New Orleans is more than just beignets and coffee, so much more, and I urge you to allow the city to get back to its roots and reclaim the title from Detroit as America’s armpit.”

   New Orleans residents listened to their mayor as the strip clubs and voodoo shops were packed with denizens from the underbelly of the city, as well as a sprinkle of college kids starting Spring Break early. Other sleaze merchants fared well also. Todd Lepeuw, proprietor of Sordid Sundries, reported that his business was up 75%. “I personally cannot wait for a triumphant return to sleaze for New Orleans. I mean, it’s clear we don’t know what to do with the spotlight other than look into the camera and shout ‘who dat?’ like retards”.

   Mayor Nagin echoed Lepeuw but also had this to say. “We’ve been criticized for promoting Ebonics by saying ‘who dat?’, but I’d like to clear something up. We are a Creole people here. And we have developed our own nonsensical language that we call “Crebonics”. And so I say to you, not who dat. But you dat. And you dat, and you dat”, Nagin said while pointing to various members of the press. It was not known what, if anything, Nagin meant by this as it made no sense at all. But perhaps that’s the point. In his genius Nagin was stating unequivocally that, not only can he patronize the sleaze merchants of New Orleans, but you can too, on your next visit to America’s most disgusting, sleazy, and repulsive city.

Additional reporting by Barry McCokkenum

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