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Attack of the Mutant Killer Beagles


Central Islip, NY: Millions of Long Islanders spent most of the past week hidden in their homes. Initial reports indicated that the nature of these shut-ins had to do with the fear of a snowstorm that would have brought twelve inches, enough to frighten residents and humor the rest of the northern continent.

   The snow showers did not come, but the residents continued to hide. Why? The answer is obvious: beagles.killer beagle

   Due to growing deer and rabbit populations on New York’s little beach retreat, hunting laws have been tweaked to allow hunting to go on around the two-countied island that is three quarters suburban. Because of tracking difficulties owed to everything from exhaust fumes on the Long Island Expressway to Chinese take out restaurants located in strip malls, hunters began to rely on dogs to help them, mainly beagles.

   The problem of what to do with the dogs, after the hunter becomes bored or needs to stop off at home to watch Court TV, is intense. Most hunters on Long Island are renters, with the dreaded “No Pets Allowed” policy. To appease the policy, renters with animals usually just keep them outside. For untrainable reasons such as boredom, hunger, and the need to find shelter, the animals began to run wild, and have become ravenous, bloodthirsty killing machines.

   Although there have been no fatalities during beagle attacks yet, many residents have come very close, sometimes with disfiguring injuries.

    “I was walking my two shih-tzus one morning, and saw about five beagles come out of the bushes,” stated Long Island resident Gary Clarkson. “They gave one sniff at my dogs’ butts, and I picked them up and ran home. They almost caught up with me. I still have a scar from the experience. I slamed my bathroom door bretty hard in case the beagles got through my front door, and bruised my hand. See?”

   “They had that look about them that makes you fear for your life: muddy fur, bad teeth, and probably loaded with fleas,” stated another local resident, Dawn Schneider. “I still have nightmares about one of those things getting up on my couch.”

   The beagle packs have become yet another staple to Long Island’s recent history of dangerous circumstances. Other events include the finding, and losing, of the Montauk Monster, an increased number of people falling into their own cesspools, and the New York Mets’ off-season activity.

(Special thanks to Kara V. for pointing out this was actually happening, possibly implying that it needed to be mocked by us.)

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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