Indianapolis, IN: In the wake of the New York Jets’ improbable season, a season in which every conceivable break was needed just to get them into the playoffs, it has been discovered that an organism isolated from the anus of obese head coach Rex Ryan could be responsible for their collapse.
Scientists at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York were alerted to the fact that several Jets players in recent weeks were hospitalized with upset stomachs. After psychological evaluations were given to determine if the players were simply upset because they were aware of how undeserving they were to be in the post season (which was confirmed by pundits nationwide before the Colts re-confirmed it for the masses on Sunday), scientists looked elsewhere when those evaluations proved inconclusive due largely to diminished mental capacity, a malady that afflicts both Jets players and their fans.
Cultures were done on the vomitus collected from various players when they were triaged at the hospital. Doctors worked up the vomit in an effort to determine if some bacterium or virus was responsible for their illness. Cultures were done and the usual flora was isolated with one big exception. There was a foreign bacteria that was engaging in phagocytosis which literally means to engulf, and in the microbiological world means to engulf cells or microbes. This new isolate was literally eating not only the other microbes, but also the media that the cultures are composed of. Scientists quickly isolated this bacterium. Cross studies were soon done and it was finally determined that this was the same bacterium that was isolated from the anus of Rex Ryan months earlier.
Scientists coined the new bacteria Neisseria Ryanislameandobesicus and have sent samples to the National Institute of Health. The bacteria is unique in that while it seems to have no preference, it will eat anything, it gravitates toward sugar and sugary substances. Another unusual attribute is that when observed under the microscope, it appears to weep like a little baby. These attributes made the microbe easy for scientists to name.
With so many Jets players ailing with this guarded illness (the media has just become aware of this), the team was in a weakened state unbeknownst to most fans.
It has now been determined, with certainty, that all season long Ryan was spewing utter bull sh*t, though it is abundantly clear that he did speak the truth while ordering meals.