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Bears Lineman Found Dead: Bucs Relieved

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Greenwood, SC: In a day full of highly insensitive events in the NFL(the Jets winning, the Vikings breathing additional life into Brett Favre’s improbably and perpetually overrated career), perhaps the most insensitive actions came from Bears fans in the wake of the untimely death of young DL Gaines Adams. Fans decided to take their ire out on General Manager Jerry Angelo for giving up a 2nd round draft pick (now a high 2nd rounder Forever remembered...for somethingdue to the Bear’s dreadful season) for essentially a corpse.

   “At least Adams could move when we traded for him, now what do we got?” incensed fan Tony Marino stated. His friend, Larry Miller, added, “In all honesty, I think the production would be similar if Adams is out there next season anyway.” This elicited laughter and high fives from the long time Bears fans.

   There were high fives at One Buc Place too. “I can’t believe our luck!” Bucs General Manager Mark Dominik declared while high fiving Raheem Morris. “Adams is deader than a doornail and we STILL get the second round pick from the Bears!” Morris reportedly told Dominik to cool his enthusiasm; that Adams was a former member of the team and the NFL fraternity in general. Dominik’s demeanor changed and his eyes narrowed. “I only bleed red and pewter,” he declared. Domink’s wife later refuted this report stating that the last time she saw one of his sanitary napkins it was merely red, with no pewter.

   In Chicago, Brian Urlacher offered support for his fallen teammate. “I didn’t know Gaines Adams, and I’m not even sure what he looked like, but this seems really sad.”

   Rod Marinelli, Adams’ Defensive line coach offered some words of comfort. “Even though Adams was working his way down the depth chart, we preferred him alive.”

   In a show of support for their fallen former teammate, Bucs players have declared that regardless of whomever they draft in the 2nd round with the pick from the Adams trade, they will forever call that player Gaines Adams and will recommend that the player change their name to Gaines Adams or some other combination using either Gaines or Adams.

Additional reporting by Haywood Jableauxmy

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