Washington, DC: In an effort to bolster security measures and prevent Nigerian extremists from detonating aircraft on Christian holidays, airports throughout the country have announced plans to begin body cavity searches sometime before Easter. Understandably, this news came as a surprise to many frequent fliers.
“I love body cavity searches,” exclaimed Richard Simmons, diet guru. “It’s one of my most favorite things in the world.”
“Wait. What?” asked Jill Rodin, a frequent business traveler. “Are they allowed to do that?”
“Due to a rise in terrorist plots, we are now legally obliged to drop anybody’s pants who is suspicious. Even if you just forget to take off your shoes, we may search you,” responded James McButters, head of security at New York’s Kennedy International Airport. “We doubt people will be so quick to blow up planes with fingers up their butts.”
The White House, fearing future terrorist attacks, backs this measure and sees it as a necessity. Airline passengers will be chosen at random, with a focus on those of Middle Eastern descent, people with a criminal record, and people who look like French Stewart. This aroused ire among Civil Rights groups and housewives throughout the country.
Rosie O’Donnell, when informed that the decision does not discriminate women, protested. “You have no right to search us!”
When it was explained to her that searches would be done by members of the same sex, she retracted her protest.