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Tiger Woods Seeks Name Change

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tiger pimpingWindermere, FL: Tiger Woods, charged with careless driving, fined $164 by Florida authorities on Tuesday, and squarely in the crosshairs of the celebrity and tabloid media, issued a statement Wednesday surprisingly skirting his recent legal and family troubles ostensibly in an effort to seek a different kind of fame.

   In light of recent allegations and in an effort to capitalize on recent media attention and scrutiny, Tiger Woods is seeking to legally change his name to “Tiger Wood”, dropping the ‘s’ to connote his newfound and seemingly ever present tumescence.

   On his website this morning Tiger made the following statement:

   “Though I clearly have let my family down, and regret those transgressions with all of my heart, I have not been true to my penis and the behavior and variety my penis deserves. I am not without faults – I am a bit on the small side – and I am also far short of perfect in other ways as well. I am dealing with my penis and personal failings behind closed doors with my family…and with others, obviously, because those feelings should be shared by us – all 41 of us, alone.”

   “Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been interested in branching out to what I consider to be my true calling, namely banging skanks because of my massive celebrity. And to that end, why pussyfoot around anymore? I have already been saddled with the ridiculous moniker ‘Tiger’ for some time now and would like to even it out by bringing some more attention to the Wood the world, or at least skanks hoping to swim in the wake of my fame,  lust for.”

Unofficial Statement by Tiger Woods

   Wood will be holding a separate press conference regarding the name change and his self-actualization as a man, as well as his coming to grips with his penis and its importance in his life. Tiger calls for other suggestions for a new name. Early alternate favorites currently in the mix are the names Rod Wood and Tiger Tentpants. A contest will be held and announced on his website soon. All proceeds will go to the Make a Wish foundation.

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