How Straight Men Can Watch New Moon Safely


   Yes, you have heard right. Throughout the universe there live a small, but virile, population of heterosexual men who need to watch the Twilight Saga’s latest besmirchment of the classic vampire movie, New Moon.

   These aren’t the normal “I have to watch it because my girlfriend/wife wants to see it”, either. That is an obviousnew moon group of men which have been around for ages, since the first man fell asleep at an opera house, or a Barbra Streisand concert, or a cave drawing exhibition.

   As of now, there are two groups of young heterosexual men who would go see New Moon alone, if not for the social ostracizing that would follow from friends, family members, and everyone in the theater with them:

  • Men who have been drawn into the Twilight Saga due to trickery by females who told them it’s a “vampire movie,” and need to see what happens next.
  • Social satire writers who need to sacrifice themselves to find something to make fun of about the movie, for the betterment of humankind.

   So, how can these two groups of men see this film without bringing certain assumptions about their lifestyle? Here are some do’s and don’ts to keep in mind when attempting to watch this film, and keep some sort of semblance of manliness:




   Gather a group of friends that are both male and female. The male/female ratio should be just about equal This will insinuate fake couples, so that random onlookers who see you watching New Moon will assume you’re seeing it new moonbecause your significant other wanted to. This will only work when there is more than one male falling into one of the above categories, so that these men can support each other in this trying time. If there is no support, you will be the butt of everyone’s jokes until the full Twilight Saga is completed, which looks to be quite a long time.


   Take your pre-teen to teen sister, cousin, or daughter out to the movies. This will do two things: show how thoughtful you are with family, which most women love, and also quell suspicions that you actually want to see this movie, as many brothers and fathers are known to fall asleep during movies such as Twilight and New Moon. Be sure to wear a baseball hat that you can pull down to disguise yourself as bored and asleep. Be sure to keep your excitement in regards to any scenes to a bare minimum, as this will destroy the farce. Wait a minute, you’re not watching this movie for actual enjoyment, anyway.

   You may not have female family members in the age bracket that would want to see New Moon. That’s ok. There are many Big Brother/Big Sister programs throughout the country that you can join, which have group activities such as going to the movies. The only drawback is finding a group outing this close to the movie release. An obvious, and expensive, loophole is to arrange to take a group of kids from the YMCA or another children’s group.


   If all else fails, wait for it to come out on DVD. Once a friend has bought it, you will be able to borrow the movie without fear of judgement from anyone except the lender. If money is no object, ordering the movie On-Demand will help keep your intrigue in the closet from everyone, except yourself.


   Go to this movie with one or more of your male buddies, even if they fall into one of the above categories. Random onlookers will assume you and your buddies are gay, probably for each other, and will extrovert this assumption with raised eyebrows and smirks. Even if the theater allows you to sit together with the prerequisite empty seat between you, the audience will merely believe you have had an argument before entering the theater.


   Go to this movie alone. This is social suicide, as there are many things that can be inferred by this:

  • You are a pedo.
  • You think sparkly vampires that drink deer blood and whine all the time are awesome.
  • You are happy to know that the vampire stories have come such a long way in our society.
  • You think you are a vampire, and hope these movies make people think you’re cool again.
  • You are gay.
  • You need to see if the movies live up to the books(which infers at least one, if not all, of the above mentioned before).


     Go to the theater with like-minded male compatriots, deciding that you will all sit alone in different parts of the theater. To the random onlooker, this merely looks like the former “DON’T,” leading to all inferences therein noted.

   More DO’s and DON’TS may follow. If you believe we have left any out, please comment, and our experts on manliness will examine and update as they deem fit.

   And to those men about to embark on the mission of seeing New Moon, good luck.

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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