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Ask An Owl: New Year’s Romance

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Dear Ask An Owl,

     With New Year’s Eve just around the corner, I’m feeling a bit lonely, as well as sexually frustrated. I know that the holidays are usually a bad time to get a relationship started, but is it at least semi-safe to invite someone new to a New Year’s Eve party?

     -George Clooney’s Deformed Younger Brother


Dear George,

     It is true that the holidays are a hard time to get a new relationship going. With Valentine’s Day, there’s too much pressure on the “L” word that drives the holiday. Granted, you may luck out and see a woman at her best (in skimpy red lingerie), but that’s a 1 : 1,000,000,000 shot.

     Christmas is just weird, since you know that you should give your new special friend something, but finding the lines of cheap, thoughtful, and obsessive is an irritating activity. Most likely, the men fail to keep such a significant other past New Year’s Eve itself.

     Then there is the problem of family time. Thanksgiving and Christmas are family holidays that bring out the best, and worst, in people. Most likely, your newchristmas vacation couplehood will be making the rounds of whatever family feast is happening. Unfortunately, the beginning of a relationship is too soon to be bringing your significant other to the family dinner table. Smart people go for years without bringing their special someone out to meet the family. Geniuses have never done so (one of the many reasons to elope). This is because the bond of family, while close and endearing, is very open. The time you were caught masturbating in the attic to your dad’s porn stash from the 1960s? That will be the first topic at the table, and the only people who will be uncomfortable about it will be you and your new girlfriend.

     New Year’s Eve is another animal altogether. It may seem like a high-pressure date. You will be bringing in the new year knowing the first woman you will see. It’s the first date of the new year (as long as you don’t do anything stupid). It’ll be the first hug and, unless she’s Amish (which means she wouldn’t be at a New Year’s Eve party anyway), the first kiss of the new year. Maybe even more. Got your breath-mints, protection, and odor in order? How’s you’re hair looking? Did someone accidentally spray you with champagne, or did you pee yourself? All of these things will most likely be going through your head.

     However, there are some positives.

     The most obvious is alcohol, the replacement of water for New Year’s Eve. If you and your date aren’t drunk by the time that giant glittery ball drops into Times Square, you’ll at least be tipsy enough to drop those pesky inhibitions out a window (except for peeing yourself. Keep that inhibition under control). Will this lead into a long-term relationship? Not likely, but it should at least be a fun night.

     There is one other concept that people forget, and may lead you into happiness: desperation. Sure, you’re desperate, but how desperate do you think the newly found woman is to be going out with you for New Years? Usually, a single woman can be found wherever her other single friends are on New Years, re-enacting Sex and the City throughout the night. The fact that she chose to come out with you can mean any or all of three things:

  1. She has no friends. Score! She’s bound to be more loyal to you.

  2. She’s been single for a while. Score! She’s probably ready to go.

  3. You’re alright-looking, and she’s frisky when you meet. Score! She’s probably ready to go.

  4. She has some weird disease. Foul! You’re screwed.

  5. She’s a transexual. Eh, maybe that works for you.

     So game on, young Cassanova, and have a Happy New Year.

     Sincerely,

     The Owl

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