Hollywood, CA: Two months have passed since Patrick Swayze’s death from pancreatic cancer, and his widow has opted to appear on Oprah for a one-on-one interview with the uber rich talk show icon cum Tony Morrison worshipper, Oprah “Harpo” Winfrey. Lisa Niemi, 53, who sucked on her husband’s fame udder for 34 years, is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with living without the financial assistance of her formerly rich, but currently deceased, husband.
She has explored numerous options for financial gain, including selling her husband’s ashes in protein shake form, auctioning off his oxycontin supply, as well the countless alternative medicines that, not surprisingly, failed to work. However, fans of her much more famous husband became incensed upon discovering the desperate schemes and, fearing for her life, Niemi opted to appear on Winfrey’s show.
If her appearance is a success, she will then appear on Dr. Phil, the talk/advice show hosted by Dr. Phil McGraw, the rotund, balding, mustachioed, and generally vile, human being. Because of her distaste for the fat bastard, Niemi has made it clear that appearing on McGraw’s show will require a sum in the six figure range, as well as heavy sedation and a personal bodyguard to ensure that McGraw doesn’t attempt to take advantage of her lithe, drugged figure.
According to sources, Niemi is hoping that her numerous talk show appearances will somehow result in multiple book deals, such as Pizza with Patrick: A Cookbook, Swingin’ with Swayze: Riding the Coattails of the Multi-talented Patrick Swayze, and last, but not least, the much anticipated Riding Bareback: Our Strange Love Affair with Horses.