Philadelphia, PA: Michael Vick, speaking to a group of Philadelphia high school students Tuesday, warned against the dangers of being anywhere near him, and offered himself as a cautionary tale of what can happen when someone, man or animal, gets too close to him and is a follower instead of a leader.

   The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, who served prison time for running a dogfighting ring, addressed a rapt audience of 200 freshmen on their first day at Nueva Esperanza Academy, a North Philadelphia charter school. He urged the students not to think of him as a role model, and to resist the temptation to follow him. “Clearly I’m no role model,” said the embattled QB, “and at my core, I still like to hurt things, and would probably hurt you if given the michael vickchance.”

   “I didn’t choose to go the ‘right way’,” Vick said, using air quotes to indicate his disagreement, “which unfortunately led to 18 months in prison, which was the toughest time on my a….toughest time of my life,” he said. “Being away from my family was easy, being away from my kids who I hardly know, and being away from the game of football, doing something I loved and being punished for it… I wish I could take it all back now, and figure out how to not get caught, so I would never have to live through these hard times again.”

   Speaking without notes, a near miracle for the notoriously low IQ’d Vick, he told the hushed assembly during his 10-minute talk that his “poor decisions” imperiled the goals he had set for himself.

   “Growing up, I had dreams, and I always wanted to have this great lifestyle, and make it to the NFL, and go and spread my seed and leave a great number of fatherless children. That was my goal from a young kid,” Vick said. “My future was promising … at some point, I got side-tracked. Well, actually, I got arrested.”

   He stated that he had tried to do the right things at school and at home, “but I had another side to me, and it was a ‘dark side’,” he said, while visibly rolling his eyes.

   Vick visited the school with Wayne Pacelle, president and CEO of the Humane Society of the United States. Pacelle stated that he had met with Vick in prison at the quarterback’s request, and that Vick sought to work with the group after his release. “Mr. Vick initially expressed interest in working with the veterinarians that put the animals ‘to sleep,’ but we informed him that didn’t seem like the best way to show his repentance.”

   “Vick and the organization are working on ‘a national campaign to try to reach especially young people so we can all be voices against organized animal fighting,’ specifically dogfighting and cockfighting,” Pacelle said. “Yes, we are working on a shorter title.”

   Once the highest paid player in the NFL, Vick spent 18 months in federal prison and was suspended from the league following his conviction in August 2007 on charges of conspiracy and organizing the dogfighting ring. He was released from federal custody on July 20 and the Eagles signed him last month.

   Several animal rights groups criticized the team’s decision to sign the quarterback, saying he is a nothing more than a meat-eating, fur-wearing human.

   Eagles spokeswoman Pamela Browner-Crawley has stated that the team has an obligation to the community and children particularly, to discourage them from engaging in dogfighting or any animal abuse. Signing Vick seemed counter-intuitive, but the Eagles were hungry for some youth at QB and Donovan McNabb, known rump ranger, was not that man.

   Vick is suspended for the first two games of the regular season and is eligible to play beginning Sept. 27. In two preseason games, Vick completed 11 of 15 passes for 45 yards with one interception and rushed for 36 yards on eight carries with one touchdown. No animals or humans were known to die from Vick’s hand during those games.

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