New York, NY: Bill O’Reilly, who has been known to spew absurdities such as “gay marriage will lead to interspecies marriage,” has been exposed as an “attic homosexual.”
This revelation was brought to light as O’Reilly was seen exiting Mt. Sinai Hospital after a brief period of infirmity. O’Reilly, a frequent critic of homosexuals and homosexuality, had no comment at this time and called these allegations “preposterous” and “gay.”
As opposed to closet homosexuals, who simply hide their homosexuality due to societal pressure and supposed social norms, attic homosexuals, so named due to an even more intense desire to hide their homosexuality because of a frequent front of conservatism, juxtapose their intense desire to hide their homosexuality with an even greater intensity of homosexual acts by carrying out edgy and risky homosexual behavior such as felching, anilingus, male snowballing and ass to mouth.
O’Reilly, who has been known to spout inane platitudes such as, “Why wouldn’t nature then make it that anybody could get pregnant by eating a cupcake?” is now at a much greater risk of anal cancer. It is said that this is due to his lack of the normal mucosal lining of the anus due to RFS (Repetitive Friction Syndrome) as well as multiple prolapsed rectum episodes. O’Reilly was seen visiting renowned colorectal surgeon Dr. Barry McCokkenum, the same surgeon who treated Farrah Fawcett at the Center for Anal Studies at Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York. When spotted, O’Reilly waved dismissively at this reporter, but did have this to say after being simply asked, ‘Harry Potter?’ with raised eyebrows.
“Ok, ok, listen, J.K. Rowling is a provocateur for the gay agenda of indoctrination. Although, those wizards… I’m very, very suspicious about what they’re doing in their spare time. So, I think, this is my conclusion, is that J.K. Rowling is a provocateur, did it on purpose, and now is going to let all hell break loose.”
“I’m sorry, but I did not ask you what wizards did in their spare time, but thanks anyway,” responded this reporter.
“You’re welcome, now leave me alone,” answered Mr. O’Reilly.
With that, O’Reilly stormed past, with noticeable padding on his bum visible underneath his clothing.