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Beatie Family Overcomes Father’s Day


Bend, OR: The family consisting of “the pregnant man,” his/her significant other, their beautiful baby boy, and a talking horse had their senses tested once again, as the second parenting holiday in as many months threatened to tear the clan apart.

   Last month on Mother’s Day, the community that the family resides with were unsure how to interact with Thomas and Nancy Beatie and their newborn Beatie Familyduring the parenting holiday. Citing confusion as to who would receive the cards, flowers, and other gifts, most neighbors and friends sent cards and packages to the Beatie household addressed to “Hey You” or “To a Loving Mother” without directly addressing either of the couple for fear of offending anyone.

   Nothing had changed in the eyes of the Beaties’ friends and family this Father’s Day, either. Flowers and candy were replaced by cigars and ties, which were all sent to the Beatie residence addressed to “Hey You” and “Relax, Guy” for the most ambiguous sentiments possible. What has changed are the tension levels between the couple.

   “I try to stay out of other peoples’ problems, but the hollerin I heard from that house on Sunday would wake the dead,” stated local fisherman Miles Standish.

   Sunday morning, the couple had a heated discussion about the relevance of Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. The debate became so heated that Nancy threatened to file for divorce after Thomas stated that he/she “deserves all the parenting holidays, because you don’t do sh*t.”

   When asked to whom he addresses on the holidays in question, the talking horse stated, “I’m not touching that with an industrial crane.”

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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