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Dr. FitzGerald Revived with Rube Goldberg Defibrillator

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Boston, MA: Dr. Jerri Nielsen FitzGerald, 57, whose struggle against breast cancer during a winter at the South Pole captivated the world, died, only to be revived moments later in what is now being called a “miracle”.

    Her husband, Thomas FitzGerald, says she died Tuesday at their home in Southwick, Mass, but that the stoppage of her heart then activated what she calledDr. Jerri FitzGerald the Kickstartmyheartillator. She developed this device, which is powered by energy stored by centrifugal forces catalyzed every time the toilet flushes, shortly after her return home from the tundra.

   The Kickstartmyheartillator was able to work as advertised and in fact kick-started her heart right back up. The only issue resulting from its use was a backup of the home sewage system due to a rare problem known as “septic tank fatigue”. This resulted in a larger problem due to the presence of noxious gases in the house, particularly the potentially lethal gas known as hydrogen sulfide. In this case the sulfur from the sewage backup mingled violently with some spilled hydrogen peroxide and acetone from nail polish remover that, in a cruel twist of fate, Ms. FitzGerald was using to remove polish from her toenails. The result was a lethal gas that was able to fall the already compromised cancer survivor.

   Ms. FitzGerald was the only doctor at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station in winter 1999 when she discovered a lump in her breast. Weather conditions didn’t permit a rescue, so she performed a biopsy on herself with the help of staff, camp pets and some Popsicle sticks. It is believed that it was this experience that provided the kernel of thought that resulted in the Kickstartmyheartillator.

    Funeral arrangements have not been released but it is believed that Motley Crue will perform at her funeral.

     Steven Levy, intrepid reporter

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